My name is raven, this is my story so far

My psychosis started when I was in a five year abusive relationship, With voices of the abuser telling me to off myself, that she was going to kill me in my sleep, or force sex upon me when company was over. This was hell for me because I had no insight, but I couldn’t leave because I couldn’t afford to live because I couldn’t work because of negative symptoms.

But then she ended up leaving me to experience a threesome but luckily I had saved some cash from odd jobs I did. It was only about 1600$ I made it last 8 months, for those 8 months I basically smoked pot, ate once every couple days and practically lived at my buddies house. but for once I had freedom from my ex, the voices stopped, I was living on cloud nine.

Then that cloud turned gray and shot lightning after the money ran out. Now I didn’t have money for food, or bills. I hardly ate, I was highly psychotic. I was now hallucinating my ex and demons in front of me telling me to kill and harm myself. towards the end of this period of my life I had full on demonic possessions forcing me to cut and burn myself, laughing and muttering to myself at the same time, with my ex talking about her sexual encounters with other men and her calling me worthless and saying I’m a good boy for cutting. With a whole heap of paranoia about everything and anxiety thrown into the mix, I only lasted about two months before I ended up in a locked psych ward.

How exactly did I end up in the psych ward well my ex text me in the middle of this psychotic break specifically during the demonic possession phase. This led me to believe she was trying to get close to me to kill me. Basically I had so much anxiety texting her it took three days to finish the conversation then in the middle of the night while planning on killing myself I text her saying about how hard it is living with demons and paranoia and vaguely suggested killing myself as if she didn’t already know I was. This led to her calling the police and my family which luckily beat the police to me. And I ended up in the hospital for two weeks.

While at the hospital they put me on risperadone and I seen results especially in the paranoia anxiety department. The psychosis lessened but was still there. I got straightened out that weed is a bad thing for psychosis. Pretty soon my doctor asked me if I wanted out even though I knew I should have stayed to get the meds sorted since I was still seeing thing I said yes. So they let me out only to need right back in they tweaked my meds let me out but this time they set me up with a therapist and an outreach nurse.

After this I eventually ended up on the max dose of risperadone but I was stable and a zombie until just after Christmas when they switched me to invega sustaina. The invega only worked so good then the half good effect would ware off by the end of the month. This cycle really sucked and landed me in hospital where they raised my dose and shortened the interval. After this my doctor seen that the invega wasn’t quite working good enough and prescribed olanzipine odt as a prn but said I could take it daily which I loved. It worked great and knocked out the insomnia from the invega.

Olanzipine made me gain a lot of weight which eventually led to my doctor taking me off it and putting me of seroquel. That was a bad idea ended up psychotic and it didn’t help that the doc went on vacation and so did my nurse after the switch. Ended up going to the er to get something done atleast. The doc put me back on olanzipine but at half the dose. Ended up needing to just take the full dose and getting a prescription from my doctor when he got back because he’d be back before I needed to fill it.

But olanzipine had lost its touch it worked marginally better than invega alone after that break. I was highly delusional thinking my ex was plotting things, that her demon friends were after my friends and family, that bad things would happen if I didn’t listen to there demands, and that she had actually sold her soul to have the help of demons. Then came the best med that I have ever tried abilify.

For safety we added the abilify onto my invega sustaina and olanzipine first before cutting out the olanzipine. On abilify I seen instant improvements in my voices and visuals. Once we hit 15 mg We cut the olanzipine.

This is roughly where I’m at right now and I’m loving it because also at 15 mg my visual audio hallucinations are nil. This has increased my hope especially that one med may work for me. Right now me and my doctor are working on getting me off invega.

Just on a side note pot use has been a struggle most of this time, even though I know it is bad for me, I love the high. This has intensified my psychosis at times. Right now I only allow myself once a month but lately it’s easier to only do it once a month. Anyways congrats you made it to the end, feel free to leave your story.

3 Likes

Give up the pot. It’s poison for schizophrenia. It just makes your symptoms worse.

Keep on the meds. You find one that works then you stick too it. Many of us do well on meds but still suffer syptoms. You get breakthroughs so your never fully out of the woods.

Welcome Raven. We’ve all been there before. We really have which you’ll learn hanging around here.

Yeah I know that but I’m just struggling to quit I just slip about once or twice a month. I try and look pass the slips and hope one day I’ll be able to quit completely.

Actually I think me and my doctor have found the right med. abilify has taken away my voices and visual hallucinations almost completely, and has kinda put my delusion on the back burner. And it did it on 15 mg.

Thank you for the welcoming. I’ve been here for around a year and have learned a lot.

3 Likes

Wow !! Thanks for sharing your story and I’m glad you found a drug that works! I often wonder how doctors ramp from drug to drug and what order and why. I always thought that abilify was kind of weak because I was on it years ago before my hallucinations showed up and it didn’t do much for me.

I’m on invega now and it’s done a great job of quieting my hallucinations. I still have them but they’re manageable. I was told by my dr that the only drug more powerful than invega was Clozaril.

Does anyone even take Clozaril?

if the abilify didn’t work my doctor was actually going to put me on clozaril. But thank goodness the abilify worked. Blood tests suck!

2 Likes

Yes, I took Clozaril while in hospital. My white blood cell count dropped and the pdoc took me off it immediately. This side effect is rare though.

1 Like