My most recent state of mind - twilight zone

Today I am at the library online typing to you. I have felt a little better since being stabilised on my meds again, but only just enough to look after hubby and smile and talk to him. Inside I remain dead dead dead. I’m living in a twilight zone. Haven’t cut for about two weeks, the urge has subsided, but the deadness has mercilessly remained. Today is one of my bad days, I love the library, but can’t seem to get interested in any books. I don’t know what to read, I am preoccupied with my illness, but reading about it makes the symptoms flare up it seems. My journal has been a close companion with me for the last weeks, and i write anything that comes into my head in there. I have written a whole lot of nonsense and my thoughts were in rhyme time lime sime, kind of like that. Day way say fay, luck duck f*ck suck. I’m thinking in rhymes a lot. My thoughts seem to be blocked, then jumbled, then clear, then foreign, like Alien is inserting them in my mind, messing with my thoughts and replacing then with his. But most of the time I’m surviving.

Just thought I’d give you an update… I’m so glad to be on this group! :blush:

We have a beautiful library they built, I don’t know it was years ago but I only first visited a few months ago to get a card. I was stopping by in the morning to read the NY Times but haven’t done that in a while. I always feel so lost walking through the stacks trying to browse for books, it’s just overwhelming I guess, too much information all at once. I picked up a two volume history of my city and was actually really into it but returned it rather than renew it when it was due in.

I had a bad day yesterday, hoping today turns out somewhat better…been an awful recluse lately.

I love libraries. My wife even works at one.