I had to get rid of the dog it was too much work. It’s back at my sister’s house.
The good thing is I cleared my head a bit and I realized I was getting sick again but didn’t need to go to the hospital or anything. I’m happy with Vraylar. I’m on Topamax and I realize I don’t like it I feel dumber, I stare more, and other stuff, but I lost over 10 lbs in a few months. I sure like the weight loss. Plus it stabilizes my mood and clears my mind.
When I was playing with the dog 4-6 hours a day at least, I stopped going on the computer. I realized I got some permanent psychosis going on and I changed doctors so I found a better one more aligned with my interests. I have delusions, paranoia, mainly I think. I think I got negative symptoms too like disorganized type schizophrenia according to my paranoia. I don’t do hygiene, unfortunately. I wear the same clothes every day and I struggle with day to day tasks and cannot work and don’t want to try school.
I like reading. I feel a bit dumb on topamax and a little more agitated I guess. Maybe my hearing, vision, and senses are amplified to the point where I can hear ■■■■ through walls and down the street but it’s all gibberish and I fill in the blanks and I get paranoid and delusional, unfortunately.
I don’t really read into stuff or get as much delusions of reference. I am more reserved and have more control and restraint over myself and am much more happy by not oversharing my delusions and thoughts and paranoia. I don’t have diarrhea mouth and crap about my psychosis and delusions and feel the constant need to affirmation and attention.
I constantly feel like people are talking about me behind my back.
The dog was extremely hard and high maintenance even for the Belgian malinois and being a puppy.
My main short term goals are better hygiene and saving more money and spending less.
I regret what I posted over the years but it just feels so real sometimes like I get flashbacks, PTSD, and recurring, and obsessive/stuck thoughts and images and emotions, unfortunately.
I wish I could delete it all or delete some of it sometimes. I feel like I ruined my life sometimes but was it all my fault? I don’t know. It’s quite embarrassing.
Psychosis feels so real but at the same time I doubt the psychosis too like I’m psychic or that I’m a super-genius, quasi-immortal alien abductee and possibly an alien or robot/machine myself living in an artificial world, which sucks balls.
I’m a very sensitive person.
I thought something happened to me in college like an alien abduction or something, but maybe it was in another life, parallel universe, or something. I constantly obsess and think I was in something, but pretty much nobody believes it. The trauma feels real and I try to figure things out and undo the damage that was done…
My strangest obsession and bragging rights is I escaped the matrix and helped run it and controlled it in a past life once or twice but now I’m trapped here in the year 2011 approximately (been cognizantly here for 9 years) for eternity in a causal loop as a schizophrenic. It resets and feels like a time loop. It feels like consciousness transfer. Every theory I have put forward has failed.
Thank You for Listening!