My Life Sucks Sometimes -- sort of back

I had to get rid of the dog it was too much work. It’s back at my sister’s house.

The good thing is I cleared my head a bit and I realized I was getting sick again but didn’t need to go to the hospital or anything. I’m happy with Vraylar. I’m on Topamax and I realize I don’t like it I feel dumber, I stare more, and other stuff, but I lost over 10 lbs in a few months. I sure like the weight loss. Plus it stabilizes my mood and clears my mind.

When I was playing with the dog 4-6 hours a day at least, I stopped going on the computer. I realized I got some permanent psychosis going on and I changed doctors so I found a better one more aligned with my interests. I have delusions, paranoia, mainly I think. I think I got negative symptoms too like disorganized type schizophrenia according to my paranoia. I don’t do hygiene, unfortunately. I wear the same clothes every day and I struggle with day to day tasks and cannot work and don’t want to try school.

I like reading. I feel a bit dumb on topamax and a little more agitated I guess. Maybe my hearing, vision, and senses are amplified to the point where I can hear ■■■■ through walls and down the street but it’s all gibberish and I fill in the blanks and I get paranoid and delusional, unfortunately.

I don’t really read into stuff or get as much delusions of reference. I am more reserved and have more control and restraint over myself and am much more happy by not oversharing my delusions and thoughts and paranoia. I don’t have diarrhea mouth and crap about my psychosis and delusions and feel the constant need to affirmation and attention.

I constantly feel like people are talking about me behind my back.

The dog was extremely hard and high maintenance even for the Belgian malinois and being a puppy.

My main short term goals are better hygiene and saving more money and spending less.

I regret what I posted over the years but it just feels so real sometimes like I get flashbacks, PTSD, and recurring, and obsessive/stuck thoughts and images and emotions, unfortunately.

I wish I could delete it all or delete some of it sometimes. I feel like I ruined my life sometimes but was it all my fault? I don’t know. It’s quite embarrassing.

Psychosis feels so real but at the same time I doubt the psychosis too like I’m psychic or that I’m a super-genius, quasi-immortal alien abductee and possibly an alien or robot/machine myself living in an artificial world, which sucks balls.

I’m a very sensitive person.

I thought something happened to me in college like an alien abduction or something, but maybe it was in another life, parallel universe, or something. I constantly obsess and think I was in something, but pretty much nobody believes it. The trauma feels real and I try to figure things out and undo the damage that was done…

My strangest obsession and bragging rights is I escaped the matrix and helped run it and controlled it in a past life once or twice but now I’m trapped here in the year 2011 approximately (been cognizantly here for 9 years) for eternity in a causal loop as a schizophrenic. It resets and feels like a time loop. It feels like consciousness transfer. Every theory I have put forward has failed.

Thank You for Listening!


Sorry you had to get rid of the dog. And it soesnt sound like an easy life. At least the meds are working. If you feel slow maybe your new doc will help you find another combo.

1 Like

Welcome back :slightly_smiling_face: 155

This topic was automatically closed 90 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.