My life is more "messed up" than my sister thinks

But not for long, because she’s reading my semi-autobiographical memoir. I remember once my sisters boyfriend was like “Charles Bukowski writes about how messed up his life is, and it’s really messed up, WAAAAAAAAY more messed up than anything that’s ever happened to you or me.” And I got really infuritated like “how the hell do you know that for sure??? You weren’t even in my sisters life, let alone mine! when the most messed up things happened” Maybe my sister has no idea what happened to me and tells him made up things that she imagines in her mind. But now she has to know the truth?? BTW does anyone know what was so messed up about Bukowski’s life? I’m not doubting it was, I just didn’t read his books and can’t even imagine…

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I don’t like comparisons. Here’s the most profound thing my dad ever said to me: (and he said it kindly about five or six years ago when I was asking about my childhood) He said " you were just trying to grow up in a situation that wasn’t working for you."
He didn’t/doesn’t know that I was abused by my sister, bullied and isolated at school, and sexually molested by one of my friend’s dad. But he saw that it “wasn’t working for me” and apparently accepted that as a fact of my life.
We all have our unique selves surviving our unique circumstances. It’s not a contest, and we can’t judge each other for how we react/survive in our lives.

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I don’t like comparisons either. We all have different experiences. But I didn’t like how my sisters boyfriend tried to downplay what I had been through when he wasn’t even there. I think my sister tells him “oh he had this happen to him, and that happen to him” she’s just guessing though. And doesn’t know what really happened to me. And he believes her.

I think I’m strong. And that’s what really matters. We all deal with emotions/feelings/experiences in different ways. And it’s so complex, one situation you may think was easy for me and I found it really difficult, and then another you might be like “■■■■ that can happen?” And I dealt with it pretty well. I’m just proud of myself I can turn it into a story. My new book would “shock” most people. But I think I’ve dealt with it well over the years.

I hate that too, @chew. My oldest sister didn’t really know me growing up. We’ve gotten to know each other as older adults. She realizes how wrong she was about me and how little she knew.
I don’t know why people think they know so much and make judgements.
When I volunteered this Thanksgiving in a kitchen at a rehab, I was happily working with pretty tough (I guess) “biker chicks” and women who had just generally been through hell… My brother-in-law, who doesn’t know me well, was there too and he remarked later that he thought it was funny that I was in there amongst all these tougher females.
I was offended that he thought he knew me well enough to make that judgement. I fit right in with those women because I’ve been through a hell of my own and struggle every day, just like they do. He just doesn’t know.

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I left no filters on my book… Of course I couldn’t remember everything. But the main points are there. I have a feeling her opinion of me will change greatly. She’s had a difficult life too…some serious physical health problems. But I doubt she could turn it into a story. My struggles are unique. Hers are just very very painful. Sometimes I feel God has written my story. I think if 1000 strangers read my book they would think it’s a really good fiction story and it would get good reviews on Amazon. I almost don’t want my close people to read it because it’s very triggering. My therapist read it and she said she had to go two AA meetings that day because she was so deeply disturbed by it. But if you don’t know me it’s not as bad. That said, I leave a “tough” outward appearance now. But if the psychology of my mind was slightly different, I may be a lot different personality wise. I’m lucky I feel?

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You are lucky to have the gift of being able to write about your life. I start writing and I just don’t know how to do it. My thoughts get jumbled.
I’ll have to read this your latest.
I think you’re doing a service for others by documenting what you’ve experienced.

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I would like to read your autobiography @chew just to see is it tougher than mine :slight_smile:
I think my sister and the rest of family wouldn’t survive the shock if they knew how long I was able to live a double life.

I don’t think you should read it with that approach. But if you don’t mind being disturbed then sure you can read it for $2.99 on kindle!!! Unless you have kindle unlimited then it’s free

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N8WAFD2

BTW does anyone know what was so messed up about Bukowski’s life?

Never even heard of him. But I’ve heard of you chew, so you’re more famous.

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HAHA this made me laugh. Bukowski is a pretty famous American writer from the 50’s or 60’s I think? He was an alcoholic a very bad alcoholic I know.

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The most messed up life of a celebrity I’ve ever heard is the rapper Cage. Any time I hear about someone using PCP regularly it triggers me pretty bad. Eminem I think has a psychological difficult life…but I definitely had “scarier” experiences than him. Like he’s more angry than me for a reason…but he wasn’t in FEAR like I was…for reasons.

The gritty details definitely can change people’s minds. Just today my mother was telling me how she thinks my disorder isn’t as severe as I say it is. All I did was describe my hallucinations a little and she backed away from her idea.

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Unfortunately, I don’t have kindle…

Well when I put it in print I will mail you a copy??? Because i’m doing that. But not printing out too many copies. Because I’m not doing it for profit but just so I can have my own and share it with friends (even though I don’t wanna share it with friends)

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