My Girlfriend is pulling her disappearing stunt again

I have been in an on again, off again romantic relationship with a very unstable bipolar woman for the last 12 and a half years. She is extremely depressed and ultra, ultra sensitive to the point of being impossible to deal with. She can’t handle being told what to do, even in a nice way. She can’t handle being spoken to in a manner even a little bit harshly or loudly or she gets all bent out of shape. Her way of handling her sensitivities is to cut off phone contact with me whenever she feels that I have somehow spoken to her a little too harshly or loudly. She just cuts off contact with no warning. She has been doing this tactic for the last 13 years. And then we lose contact for up to one to two years. Then, she calls me up out of the blue, saying she is lonely and wants to renew our friendship. And because I am in love with her, I always take her back. And the whole cycle repeats, ad nauseum. She’s done this so many times that I have lost count. And it just tears my heart out each time. Luckily, I get over it quickly though. I like being alone and living alone and I keep myself very busy and occupied alone in my nice apartment. I never get lonely like she does. The reason I keep taking her back is because I still have feelings for her and she knows it and she takes advantage of that. When am I ever gonna learn?

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When the heart is cold and still?
The heart can hold on to a hope for as long as it beats.

My best advice is to try and remember that when she calls back.
Easier said than done though, I know. I have allowed myself to be abused and walked on much worse than that, so I can’t talk. Except, when I am done, I am done. No going back. I take a lot of crap but once I reach my limit, I couldn’t go back if I tried. My heart just wouldn’t be in it.

Sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you bounce back quickly, like you said.

I texted her and told her that I “hated” her. I told her to “do me a favor and leave me alone forever”.

I’m sorry you are at odds. From what you said, it’s a painful pattern. Maybe a permanent split is not a bad idea.


Maybe you should write on a piece of paper: 1) extremely depressed 2) ultra sensitive to the point of being impossible to deal with 3) cannot handle being told what to do 4) summarily cuts ties. Put that on your refrigerator and look at it everyday.

I realize you’re mad at her now, but you were probably mad at her the last time she disappeared. Whenever I meet someone who tells me that they’re thinking of getting back with their ex, I always ask this question: Why is she or he your ex?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder; we tend to downplay the bad and glorify the good, so when she calls you in one or two years (and she will) you’re going to need that list to prevent enabling her behavior, which is in the best interest for both of you.


@kindness, sir, you make an awful lot of good sense. It would do me well to heed.


Maybe she’s into guys now. No one like to be controlled

Some of her behaviors sound like borderline personality disorder.

At times like this, I like to think of the rule that two things (people) cannot occupy the same space at the same time. That is also to say, you won’t get what you want while settling for what you have.

My last boyfriend was charming and I was very in love with him but when he started punishing my bad behavior (behavior he perceived differently than what it was) by refusing communication when I needed it and disappearing, I had to let him go. I don’t have patience for crap like that. Less than two weeks later I met my husband and we are far better for one another.

She’s definitely not into guys now.

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Yes, it does sound like BPD doesn’t it?

What you describe is exactly what she is always doing. Punishing me for behavior that she doesn’t like. But behavior I see nothing wrong with. And yes you’re right. I have to let her go because she’s never going to change. And neither am I. So, it’s Quitso.
As for me, I’m already over her. I’ve moved on with my life and am happy living alone as before. I don’t know about her feelings and really don’t care. I’ve erased her number off my contact list and I’m so done with her. The main thing is that this little escapade didn’t ruin my celibacy vow. And for that, I’m very grateful.