Schizophrenia.com

My fiance or my life

FOREWARD: My name is Tyler and I am 99% sure that I have schizophrenia, although not yet diagnosed.

I know they say that most schizophrenic people don’t have the insight to realize that they are schizophrenic, but I have been dealing with my symptoms for almost a decade and at this point, I have already come to realize that my past delusions and lack of insight are symptomatic of an illness.

And my illness is almost certainly sz I would say, due to recent, overwhelming symptoms characteristic of the “negative symtoms” of sz… From paranoia, grandiosity, delusions and ideas of reference… Straight into an alogian trap , completed by andohenia, affective flattening, low energy/motivation and of course,… Alogia…

If you were to hear me express my concerns verbally rather than reading them on this sz forum you would get nothing but a monotone epitome of dopamine dysfunction…

But anyway… The reason why I have decide to add a forward which emphasizes my symptoms along with the lack of a diagnosis, is because I am currently In a serious dilemma regarding my diagnosis and the appropriate treatment that I need for recovery…

I fell in love a little over a year ago… Immediately proceeding the worst psychotic breakdown I could have ever even imagined when I was just a normal, unafflicted person, before my symptoms started…

2 years of euphoria, delusions, on top of the world ego issues when in retrospect I had no ego at all and was pacing this world with an invincible persona of someone who had the secrets of life wrapped around my little finger, I felt capable, superior, and unphased by the mundane realities of sanity and I blew through my days with principles of spirituality rather than the certainties of mental illness and I ended up crashing… BIG time… my Psychosis was so extreme and I felt such an intense wealth of emotions that the ultimate result was the acquisition of post traumatic stress disorder…

My ego was shattered a year or so ago when I became aware that I was delusional and my perfect fantasy of life was just a mirage… I I was malnourished, dehydrated, overworked and exhausted when my psychosis led into a downward spiral of negative symptoms… I was crushed and completely unable to function… I started to go blind, catatonic and disillusioned when a girl came along and I fell in love…

She took me by surprise and gave me comfort… Now, after living with her for almost a year… I’ve come to the conclusion that she is obvious of how sick I truly am… She has severe depression and is very jealous… I have no friends and she throws a SERIOUS depressive tantrum every time I even mention that I’d like to leave the house… A walk a drink a jog ect…

Because of my ptsd I am unrealistically afraid of losing her, and she threatens our relationship every time I attempt to take a step outside of the house and make myself better. I am afraid to become an inpatient because of her distant, vengeance bent attitude towards anything I do that doesn’t Involve me sitting here I her house with her four kids and and all of the stress that comes along with it…

She acts like she owns me but I am afraid because I have heard that people with sz usually have a much better outcome when they’ve with a romantic partner…

The sex and romance is something that ive always thought could help break me from my autistic Ike world that I have started to live in die to sz… But she is angry and controlling and I’m not sure if it’s worth it…

ANYWAYS… is it better to succumb to a longtime, without stress and access to treatment? Or to stay with someone who can give me company, make me feel attractive and even"wanted" at time… Treatment… Or aide without a partner… Should I be admitted and trated then depend on my family to take care of my only lonely life? Or should I stay with her

Are you seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist? Is your fiance seeing a psychologist. I think if you both got some help everything could be seen in a new light. Don’t make any extreme black and white / all or nothing types of evaluations. Most things are on a continuum.

Whatever the case, I’d recommend getting a formal evaluation. Self-diagnosis can only go so far - it really helps to have the input of specialists / experts.

Here is a resource for that:

http://forum.schizophrenia.com/t/early-psychosis-treatment-centers-how-to-get-great-help-for-free/12743
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