My deep apologies I have no excuse

I got upset because here I am dragging myself to a job I can’t do and no one else is trying. They say I’m high functioning but I’m struggling to be just that. And living up to expectations I can’t. But I can’t do it either and that’s what hit a nerve. My manager called up on me as he saw me struggling and I left early. As I left managed somehow to make it out the building but hung around 30-40 mins. I called the crisis line who said I wasn’t in crisis and no need to call them when they could hear me crying. Then managed to leave. So this high functioning is bull ■■■■. I can’t do it either. It’s no excuse for my behaviour today but I just want you all to know I feel deep guilt for it.

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You tried Ish,

That is the most important thing… So many people are waiting for a ‘cure’ to come out they dont even try. Perseverance is key, dont give up. You should feel proud for dragging yourself to that job even if you cant do it or hate it. Good things come for those who try :slightly_smiling_face:

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Yeah the worse part my life is falling apart and yet I’m “high functioning “ so my thoughts and feelings are not valid. So I’m not in a crisis enough to call a crisis line. Yeah I feel humiliated even my colleague who I tried to be friends with looked at me like I’m weird. I lost focus, felt disorientated abc was worried I wasn’t gonna make it home. So high functioning ? Just because I have insight doesn’t make my feelings less valid. I am not making up my illness and I’m not a drama queen. People at work can laugh all they want. I’m done. I’m not going back. No more reading of abuse and rape please. But it’s ok I’ll find something else.

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I think you’re doing awesome. I couldn’t handle a job until I could. I had a lot of days like you’re describing earlier on my recovery. MONTHS even. You’ are a ROCK STAR.

The quality of your posts has steadily been improving over the last year. Your progress may not be obvious to you, but I’d say it’s obvious to the impartial observer who is familiar with you.

Now, go have some chocolate.

:heart:

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Today it’s over I think I will make it quits. But I’ll find something Part time.

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Maybe but I need to also learn when it’s ok to call it quits. If I stayed here I’ll go deeper into a pit and won’t get out so best get out now while I am still going up.

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This is good recovery strategy. Push, but if you feel something starting to break, back off and regroup before you push again. Also, don’t expect that you will win every battle. I’ve been pushing my public functioning for over two decades and I doubt I would last two weeks in a university lecture theatre before self-destructing. It would just mess with my symptoms beyond what I can cope with. Some roads are so impassable that your best bet is a detour.

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Only you can say how hard you tried. I say back off and assess your options. Don’t feel guilty. You’ve done nothing wrong.

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Thanks. Only you seem to understand where this is coming from. My intention wasn’t to insult anyone but in doing so I lost everyone’s ability to understand. I can have a nervous break down too. And I have moments too. And they might not necessarily be symptoms everyone likes. And I might turn into a monster too. Just seems everyone is allowed to be like that BUT me.

I relate to this so much. My therapist likes to unexpectedly cancel my appointments because people with “more urgent needs” come up. I yelled at him for it and told him I need services too.

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I’m crying on the phone and she says I’m not making sense … I can’t get home … but hey “I can’t see anything urgent to warrant you calling here “. She says I need to understand where it is coming from so I told her I’d try to do that if I knew what I was dealing with. I’m not a mi pro.

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From the stories I’ve heard from you U.K. folks, I’m not impressed with your crisis lines.

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It’s hit and miss in the US too. Could be great, could be terrible.

It’s OK @anon80629714, the important thing is you stepped out of your comfort zone, you grew, and you knew when to say “enough.”

whoa, whoa, whoa

You do not need to prove yourself here. I am a prime canidate for knowing exactly what you mean. There are some test, like psychology test, i score very high for. yet those test do not represent real world task and trials.

For all the egg-heady things i like to read and study about, …well, I have actually forgotten to go to work before. I was out doing errands and it …just…slipped…away.

cant remember how to spell words etc.

Their test and judgements about a persons abilities is not always acurate. I am sorry this job is not your cup of tea. maybe there is a better matching job for you if you still want to try to work.
If you are determined on trying to work, i would wonder if there is some kind of job or career advisor out there for you to consult?

This job may have been a bad match.

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Psychiatrist number one did that to me three times in a row last year. We had a wonderful row over it after I invoiced him for four hours of driving, mileage, and parking (x3). He forgets I live two hours away and have to take a day off from my paying job.

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Ish, I can relate in some ways. I regret things I have done here too. I have felt like my problems weren’t serious enough, and weren’t taken seriously enough by my treatment team. So I have not told them about some things and not asked for more help even though I feel like I need it. But you’re a good person. This doesn’t change that.

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It’s the internet with the mentally ill. I’ve crossed the line on so many occassions and I still think I’m right haha

Seriously. I like your enthusiasm. I don’t think your doing anything but try to do well and that is good! Make peace. Move on.

Life’s way too short to worry about too much! You’ve apologised- now just contribute. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t need some help! I admit to that myself! I still remember first posting here when coming down from psychosis. I’m glad Jayster had some wise words for me!

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Had quick cycling meltdown at church after aceing it twice in a row, this makes me smile :slight_smile:. Keep practicing peeps!

You did your best. That’s all you can do. I’m not even trying to work right now, at least you’re trying and overall successful at it. You’re brave keep goin.