I became irrationally angry today, I went to college. We had a Christmas lunch together in the studio, it was nice and I showed some good social skills by remembering one of my class mates went to an open day at uni and had an informal interview; I think I was the only one to remember, we had a good chat. But then I was thrown way back to hospital days, one of my other class mates has anorexia nervosa and was telling everyone how she was having to go inpatient over Christmas and how she’s get fat and it’s unbearable. I felt my anger rising. This is completely irrational, I should have felt sorry for her but I didn’t I was selfish. When I was in hospital I was surrounded by anorexics, as my weight doubled because of meds despite not eating much, they were always telling me they were fat and I know they believed that but they must find me repulsive as must my classmate. They laughed at me in hospital when I was hallucinating and doing weird things, they still had control over their mind to an extent apart from the fat delusion. It threw me backwards, I find it unfair I have to hide when she can be open, if I said “I have psychosis” they’d avoid me like the plague and talk about me behind my back. It eats away at me as I lie “what happened over the last five years that meant you weren’t in college, didn’t have a job and weren’t contributing to society?” “I was ill” “what was wrong with you?” Endless questions… Why do I have to have an unacceptable label? Then thought broadcasting happened but panicked and immediately said “I’m sorry you heard that” and everyone looked at me but no-one said a thing, they probably hate me now. I talked to my tutor like she was my psychiatrist and now I fear what she thinks of me. She is very forgiving so hopefully nothing bad will happen. I left early before I could open my mouth and regret it.
I feel selfish and want to slice my head open and get the implant out, it’s something that keeps recurring in my head, I nearly took my Stanley knif to the toilet but didn’t, it’s too near Christmas, my mum would be devastated, so I won’t try just yet. I’m tired of being labelled like this. I want to be myself without making such an effort. Is that even possible? Sorry if I’m being too selfish I’m just upset.