I became irrationally angry today, I went to college. We had a Christmas lunch together in the studio, it was nice and I showed some good social skills by remembering one of my class mates went to an open day at uni and had an informal interview; I think I was the only one to remember, we had a good chat. But then I was thrown way back to hospital days, one of my other class mates has anorexia nervosa and was telling everyone how she was having to go inpatient over Christmas and how she’s get fat and it’s unbearable. I felt my anger rising. This is completely irrational, I should have felt sorry for her but I didn’t I was selfish. When I was in hospital I was surrounded by anorexics, as my weight doubled because of meds despite not eating much, they were always telling me they were fat and I know they believed that but they must find me repulsive as must my classmate. They laughed at me in hospital when I was hallucinating and doing weird things, they still had control over their mind to an extent apart from the fat delusion. It threw me backwards, I find it unfair I have to hide when she can be open, if I said “I have psychosis” they’d avoid me like the plague and talk about me behind my back. It eats away at me as I lie “what happened over the last five years that meant you weren’t in college, didn’t have a job and weren’t contributing to society?” “I was ill” “what was wrong with you?” Endless questions… Why do I have to have an unacceptable label? Then thought broadcasting happened but panicked and immediately said “I’m sorry you heard that” and everyone looked at me but no-one said a thing, they probably hate me now. I talked to my tutor like she was my psychiatrist and now I fear what she thinks of me. She is very forgiving so hopefully nothing bad will happen. I left early before I could open my mouth and regret it.
I feel selfish and want to slice my head open and get the implant out, it’s something that keeps recurring in my head, I nearly took my Stanley knif to the toilet but didn’t, it’s too near Christmas, my mum would be devastated, so I won’t try just yet. I’m tired of being labelled like this. I want to be myself without making such an effort. Is that even possible? Sorry if I’m being too selfish I’m just upset.
sorry that you found that hard, i have also had to deal with a lot of social situations and i have found that it is good to be prepared,
i try to think of things people might say and then try to fathom a response, i like to think i can talk my way out of a blackhole but sometimes you get hit with something by surprise and you have to think on the spot, usually i am pretty good at this but it can be hard,
i use body language a lot as well bc that is a good tool like the old shrug of the shoulder ‘idk’ type answer or the ‘what you asking me for?’ type look and gestures
and when ever i get thoughts that i don’t want creeping in and i start to feel crappy and fed up i will change the subject or take myself away from what ever it was and use distractions as coping techniques.
i think you just need to learn a few more coping techniques that work for you and hopefully it won’t be as bad and you will be able to handle it.
cutting is not the answer, just adds to the problem really, if you feel like self harming i’d surest doing it in more positive ways like multiple press ups or jogging as fast as you can on the spot as you can while screaming into a pillow, when you push your body real hard like that it can be a form of self harm as long as you don’t over do it, i know it might not sound like a good idea but anything must be better than that, all you need is a release, i have screamed into a pillow before and felt great because of it and also punched the pillow etc,
**Hi Meg~~
Sorry you had to go through that. Sounds like you were thrown into your past for a minute.
People are more forgiving then you think.
Please dont hurt yourself and you dont have to accept any labels! Just take care of yourself as you would with any other illness.
Be kind to yourself…here`s a blessing for you OO
Thanks everyone, college has finished for the term, and have my ECG tomorrow, so can have my psychiatrist appointment in January and get meds sorted. I’m getting desperate, it was the first time I’ve been triggered in years. I’ve been triggered for about a month now, that caused such a strong temptation to just do it but I didn’t self harm. I’m proud I didn’t, but it’s bubbling, like right now I’m shaking badly but don’t know why, almos as if everything is wanting to escape.