Yesterday, my son was talking about writing a paper for a social studies project, and my daughter said that if he wanted perfect grammar on it, he should come to her for help. I laughed and said, “You know, I majored in English, tutored it, and taught it.” In short, she responded by saying that she knew it all better than I did, the 21 classes I took in English meant nothing, I was out of date and useless, and she could do a far better job of anything involving English than I ever could.
I have BA in English, an MA which was all research and writing, and almost two years in doctoral level studies, and I worked really hard to get through all of that. I told her she was being disrespectful and hurtful, not to mention ignorant. She started screaming at me, then backtracked and claimed she had only been joking. I know it hadn’t been a joke. I know that teenagers think they know everything, but this really hurt. I may not have a lot of good points, but I can write a paper like nobody’s business. She even had me stop proofreading her papers because I kept picking them apart.
Anyhow, this all took place in the kitchen. She yelled at me to get out, and I told her I wasn’t leaving my kitchen and that she was the one who needed to go cool down. She yelled some more and told me again to go away. I refused, so she got up and left. About an hour later, she came downstairs and acted like nothing had happened. She didn’t apologize, didn’t acknowledge it at all. I want an apology. She was wrong. Even if she thinks she knows everything, she never should have said the things she did.
So I am really hurt and offended. Also, I guess it touched close to home because I feel like my IQ has dropped a bazillion points, and that degree means a lot to me. I started college when I hadn’t even finished the 9th grade.
We love our kids very much and to see them, hear them say things like this is hard to take.
If your kids are still in the teens then you, and therefore your knowlege of the writen word, can not be considered as out dated.
She lost the argument and the stand-off that followed. Teens challenge authority. Good job on not leaving. Sorry it hurt though. Chalk it up to part of their challenge authority phase.
Maybe she was still upset by you helping her with her paper. Kids are very proud of their work. They have had it displayed on fridge since kindergaden. Many older students find a red pen to be the symbol of brutallity.
If I was to guess, I say these(above) are possibilities. She accidently got her feelings hurt and still carried it. and she is at that age of challenging authority.
I think the best out come would be if it could be turned into something both of you could laugh at (in the future). Maybe start writting her humorous notes in old Engish? because it is a PITA to read.
Parenting is hard, turning defeats into victories always requires creativity. With your interest in the written word I think creativity is certainly still alive and well in you. I think you can turn it around.
I think teenage girls think they know everything. From what I see from young guys is they are just trying to focus on what they want and take resources from the outside that suits their goals.
Wow, I get that from Princess Pixel at least once a week. I had been paying her car insurance monthly, but after she did this to me three months ago, I stopped. She had to scramble and find a part-time job. I figured since she knew everything, she could figure out where to get the $200/mth. She’s been a bit better since. Maybe because doing her homework and juggling the job are wearing her down.
As an archery coach at the school, I can say with some authority that boys are no better than girls in this department. Probably worse, actually. Testosterone seems to amplify the issue.
Everyone has something to contribute. They might not feel like they’re being heard. And teenagers are at the point in life where they are trying to find out who they are.
At the moment, I am still angry. I feel like I deserve an apology. She just goes on like nothing happened and expects me to be fine with her blowing up on me and then being nice and friendly when she decides that the issue is done with. Well, it’s not over for me. I’m still upset.
Teenagers can behave horribly. I remember that stage well. It sounds like she might be fighting her own feelings of inadequacy when compared to you, and that might be where part of her anger came from. And, of course, the ever-fun flood of hormones and the physical stesss of growing. It’s reasonable to expect an apology, but she probably feels embarrassed by her behavior, and defensive because she doesn’t want to admit she was wrong. I hated apologizing for my outbursts as a teenager, but it was a good lesson to learn. The guilt and embarrassment were good motivators to learn how to control my temper. I started behaving more rationally after I finished puberty, and my prefrontal cortex had fully developed.
I’m sure she loves you, and knows how good you are at English and grammar.
You all should sit down and start thinking about what you guys are contributing socially and to each other’s moods. And then just let each other air their thoughts, feelings, and ideas without judgement and realizing that’s just how you are.
I don’t know if there is any way to get through to teenagers that they should treat people with respect, especially their elders, and especially their parents. I think you should insist on an apology, as much for your daughter’s sake, as well as your own.
I put a lot of time and energy into supporting students and youth in my community. My wife and I put thousands of our own dollars into a community broadcasting project that is student-centered because we want to empower youth by giving them a voice and helping them build skills along the way. We’re open to suggestions from the kids, but sometimes you have to override them because they don’t have the life experience to realize what they’re trying to do isn’t practical. Other times, the best way to demonstrate their lack of knowledge is to let them (figuratively) fall on their faces, but only when there will be no real and lasting harm. A mild case of butthurt isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially if you learn from it.
When it comes to coaching archery, yeah, I impose authority. I don’t need twelve-year-olds jumping around with drawn bows like they’re the Green Arrow or Lars Anderson. Or sky drawing. Or shooting with eyes closed (yes, they do this). I’d rather have a kid go home with hurt feelings than to the hospital with an arrow sticking out of them. At this point in my life, I’ve been using a bow for 38 years and I’m extremely proficient. Not one of the school archers can outshoot me, so I expect them to be respectful and well-behaved while I’m volunteering my time to teach them as much as I can of what I know. I have a lifelong love of the sport and I’d like to grow the same in future generations. The last thing I want to do is to turn someone off of archery forever through a cruel or thoughtless comment.
I don’t think authority is a bad thing so long as you don’t do bad things with it.
Thanks @Ninjastar. I appreciate your voice of reason.
She apologized to me today when I picked her up from work. She realized that I was mad at her, and she said she was sorry. I forgave her. I have a really hard time holding a grudge, and it was a struggle not to just let it go, truth be told. With her, I never want to rock the boat. She has an explosive temper and can be difficult at best. Yeesh, that makes it sound like she runs the household. It isn’t as bad as that; I just prefer not to set her off into screaming fits of rage. It upsets not just me but her siblings and her dad- heck even our geriatric dog, Haiku! Poor Haiku peed on the floor she was so scared by my daughter’s yelling.
I was just thinking maybe she knew you were so proficient at English, she felt somewhat over shadowed and wanted to stand on her own two feet and prove herself? Unfortunately teenagers don’t say things like "mom I know you are really good at it and I appreciate the offer but I want to find out how I am at it, instead they say “i’m better anyways”. Teenage years breaking out, wanting to stand on their own two feet. Glad she apologized that was very mature of her.
Good friends sometimes make an" insult joke". Its when you say …you have a fat ass… and then both laugh about it. I think that what she meant when she said what she said.
@Ninjastar Actually, yes. She is bipolar. She doesn’t think she is because one of her friends, who is ill and has been to hospitals a lot, tells her she may not be. She doesn’t want to take her meds, so I have to watch her swallow them every night. She is convinced that her friend is more knowledgeable than medical professionals. So it’s not just me she is turning her nose up at.
I’m sorry. Mood disorders tend to be the worst during puberty. When she turns 18, she will have a lot more meds to choose from, and they might be more effective. Puberty does strange things to the way the body processes meds.
