This will be hard for some people to understand, but any time I look at people I involuntarily sneer. I am mortified that I do it, and people on the receiving end are mortified too. And it has gotten worse. Now I have gotten to where I broadcast derogatory thoughts about people in different situations. I don’t blame people for getting mad about it. I’ve had this problem for over forty years, and it has gotten a lot of attention focused on me. Some of it is valid, but I feel like a lot of it comes from way beyond the normal expectations a person has of being known. I’m in Oklahoma, and someone in Tennessee has absolutely no right to know I exist. People in towns thirty miles away have no right to know I exist, when I only go there once a year. I go to day treatment, and I stay in my room. How could people that far away have any idea of who I am? Also, I have seen people be more openly cruel than I have ever been. One time I was in the school cafeteria, and this guy sitting next to me pointed at this girl and said, “Look at that. Isn’t she ugly?” I said, “No, she isn’t.” One time this guy yelled at a girl who was sunbathing, “You’re an ugly skeleton.” For a long time I just took whatever retaliation people put forth, but lately I have started to snap back, all nonverbally, of course. You can communicate complete sentences without making a sound. For instance, when we cashed our checks today this girl said, “See, he does have a little money” about me to the cashier. I thought broadcast, “If I had money I would look for someone better than you.” I don’t know if that was out of line or not, but her smugness got to me.
Delusions can only be discussed in recovery context.
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