Starting to feel like a form of matter and just solely that. Could be a cause of my deppression and being skitzo and all, but i seriously have never felt this down and out in my life… like what is the purpose of my existence if i can’t even live.
I’m at a target just typing on these forums and i feel and know the odds are not in my favor when it comes to connecting with people. We’re distant in that regard in L.A. i belive. Most other places that ar’nt really considered cities are slower and more open for conversation. If i had family i guess i would be ok without it, but i dont. There non-existent in my life because they simply never wanted me.
Well anyway, my understanding of everything, and what gets me through is the simple fact that something un-natural happened to me when i was younger and ill always remember it cause it put me on this course in life and it was just simply my bed violently shaking when i was younger at this rented house because ours got destroyed in 1994 northridge earthquake.
So i technically could belive, that our brains or whatever could posses a power thats unknown to humanity and/or we could be possibly time-travlers personally i like time-travlers… helps with my imagination side of things lol.
Please tell me if you feel the same way and maybe if you just have a diffrent theory about our situations.
I’m just an interested skitzophrenic
I hit my lowest point at the time when I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia. I ended up at the mental hospital at my university and because I was in the mental hospital during the first round of midterms they automatically withdrew me from the university and I never went back to that university. I ended up at home with my family and I thought my life was over. I thought I had no purpose and wanted to just die because as I put in my suicide note I didn’t want to be a monster hiding in the closet for the rest of my life away from society. I never attempted suicide but around the time I wrote that note I could almost think about nothing other than suicide. I enjoyed absolutely nothing and my life was a void of emptiness. Everything I had worked for up to that point was destroyed. I had my family and a home and I should have been more grateful and should still be more grateful. Anyways I eventually found an online christian forum and made my life purpose to try to spread the gospel there and hopefully make some online friends, and I accomplished neither. But the forum was a distraction from my pain it was the only thing that made me forget my problems. I eventually decided right or wrong that I would push myself as hard as possible to achieve something and get a job because I was thinking it was literally a matter of life and death cuz I was pretty sure I’d kill myself later in life if I didn’t succeed.
@sea00115699, so what did you set out to achieve? I could have been you. In college I was failing socially and could have been sent home. Then, I made a few friends and stayed. But in my senior year a became afraid of graduation and left during my last semester, dropped out failing several courses. I then worked in a children’s home and that was a success. So I returned to college and finished up. But, I was from a small town and if had had to go home I would have been just as suicidal as you, I’m sure of that. I’m interested to know how you are doing now.
I’m Doing much much better now. I just need to finish graduating and start the job that is lined up. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts but life is much better now
Sorry you are getting so depressed. I had depression too but it eventually got better. I think you should continue to search for ideas and beliefs that make life worth living. For me, what do I believe? I get hope from people who love me–my mother mostly but also sometimes friends. I constantly renew my hope by reading self-help, psychology, and religion books. Often I find such books. Right now I am reading “Alchemy,” a novel.
Another important source for me is right here in this forum. I am motivated to do all I can about schizophrenia.
I wish my mother would find intrest in me, but she left me when i was 2 and havnt really tried to be in my life. As for friends i have one and hes a heroin addict that ive been trying to help his circunstances just tp avoid dealing with mine i suppose. I have a mental health facility paying for my rent and thats all they do for me really. Like i need a psychiatrist and get the medication shot on time but thats not happening. My life is crumbling and i cant stop it cause i have zero support system. I hope after getting this galstone removed thats pushing on my liver, ill be able to wake up with a diffrent outlook on life. Thats what im working with lol. But im glad you can see hope in life still thats defetly important.
I can see you have had it very rough. I will think about what you said. I am too busy tonight to write any more.
You currently have almost no support people. You have reached out to this website with a clear description of your feelings and your situation. All I can offer is a little bit of hope that somehow things will get better for you. I will continue to follow your posts on this web community.
That’s my only reply, to try to offer hope. And to appreciate the depth of your situation.
Thank you for doing that. Your message of hope is much appreciated.
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