"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don’t Throw in the Trowel
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
My wife’s a water sign. I’m an earth sign.
Together we make mud.
- Rodney Dangerfield
What do you get if you divide the circumference
of a pumpkin by its diameter?
How do you lead a horse to water?
With lots of carrots.
“I do not like broccoli. And I haven’t liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I’m President of the United States and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.”
- George Bush, U.S. President, 1990
Why do cowboys always die with their boots on?
So they won’t stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
What do you call a stolen yam?
A hot potato.
“A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.”
- Doug Larson
Everyone has these on their face?
“I have no plants in my house. They won’t live for me. Some of them don’t even wait to die, they commit suicide.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Why did the horse go behind the tree?
To change his jockeys.
What vegetable can tie your stomach in knots?
“What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I’m feeling beet.”
- Shel Silverstein