Monologue of the new year (post your own)

The onset of the year did indeed cast light on the last. I have some narrow roads I have to keep myself on, but I do believe that new and returning insight will be coming my way.

The issues haven;t been resolved… women and work… still things I need better sense of perspective on. Frankly, on both fronts, I guess I don’t know what I’m looking for any more.

They are more or less the core of a man’s life… entertainment is another… but entertainment alone can never fill the deficit in not having the others. Entertainment is cheap anyways.

One thing has come to pass… at that’s me maturing a little further into realistic expectations regarding the nature of others… I’m still taxed with filling that mass deficit of the come and go sense of cosmic loneliness, but before I fell ill. I did have a good relationship with the cosmos and it’s underlying ponderances.

At that I guess I’m content… It’s a game of playing patient until you get to start watching the patience just roll in. I mean at least, in theory.

It’s almost entirely juvenile to mention anything else. I hope though that it’s not blind faith I’m living by… I have a good track record under my belt of moving forward and coping well.

I can simultaneously see both nothing and everything I desired for so long around me. Part of me is unsatisfied and takes it all for granted. The other can still force an outside perspective and open the doors of reflecting on how neat all these things are… and the levels of proficiency that I must have to me in assembling my little life-rig here.

Still… computers and music are totally separate from being employable (or loveable).

One bit of resolution was realizing the actual force of women’s slant on objective nature… it is kind… but it is still limiting. A man really can’t make anything of himself that can’t be easily denied credit… A guy I am… that’s all I am and that’s all people will see me for…

Hard to accept when there is an errant truth to the statement “the last thing a girl wants to be is ordinary.” Can that respect not be projected onto the opposite gender… that is my gender. Why should I feel like I should drop my desire to be extraordinary just because the women would rather frankly just keep me in the box of just being a guy.

It’s really irrelevant in the long run though… It was an annoyance before and now I do understand it. Though, frankly, I don’t see how to cooperate with that kind of thinking.

I really doubt that I’m one to objectify people… I like people pushing for extraordinary specialty… I think there are a lot of beautiful and impressive things that occur when people do… I mean I can still have issues with people’s characters… and I’d hate the thought of any wretched self-centered to no end type folk ever feeling like they have truly won.

But people are small in general… and they do a trite job of dragging people down… In the end it might just be a stark difference in people. Something more in line with disposition… who can settle for what… and who will likely always want to strive for better.

The undertones of this thinking are starting to breed specific frustrations so I’ll relent.

Take care… for those who read and those who didn’t.

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I read the post but did not understand it very well I guess. You jump from one subject to another and some are difficult for me to understand I guess.

Depends on what you want to do in the end. I will never be ordinary. This is why I am never satisfied and I never take no for an answer. It is good in some ways but horrible in others, because I push myself even when I am physically and mentally unable. I want to achieve the impossible. If one thing does not work out, I jump to the next. I have always something to do. I will never give up on my career.

I am almost 30 now, I have been thinking so much about my life and mortality lately. Maybe it is too early but I have no clue when my life will just end, so I really want to take as much as possible from life. Through learning, gaining experience, growing spiritually, sharing the love with others, and being happy.

You talk about girls a lot. Maybe if you shift your focus on yourself instead, and be happy and content by yourself, the right girl will join you.

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thanks @mermaid1… maybe that’ll be easier for me in my new town… I just feel like a wound up train most of the time… the company of my female friends were about the only things that gave me a break.

I’ll sort it out though. I’m pretty confident.

It ain’t easy being single… there are reminders everywhere… and a lot of people making a ■■■■ show out of everything… and I know I’d do a decent job. I don’t care that it’s unfair… each just eats up my patience over time…

I mean it’s disproportionate because I did have quite a few relations in the last couple years… all that’s done though is leave me more eager for something to work out.

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sure I understand. But being in a perfect relationship is not possible.
Sure it is fun at first I guess but eventually, things change.

I hope something works out well for you :hugs:

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Sometimes the hardest part is not knowing whether I am falling asleep or waking up. The gateways of sleep are a twisting, ever twisting mountain road into visions of the man I wished to be and never was- and never will be? Are these dreams simply the forceful ocean waves of the weight of unrequited memories that I missed my opportunity to attain? Or does this road finally even out at the peak and show me a glorious vista of the undeniably plausible, yes, possible? Past, present, and future all converge in these treasured and misunderstood junctures, where I can catch a glimpse, fleeting though it may be, of what is in store for me, if only I have the foresight and discipline to make it so.
And those moments when dream and reality entwine, embrace like lovers separated by time and space? It is in those moments that I treasure life the most.

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I’d say your dreams are probably a form of self expression of some kind.

I just woke up from a slew of very confusing dreams… It’d be two consecutive nights now. They escaped having a one to one analysis and it demonstrates more the chaos within the body from my withdrawals. I quit drinking caffeine last Saturday morning and it’s set me up for a lot of added stress.

I’ll often find it’s nicotine withdrawal that leads my body to exercise duress on my sleeping self in order to wake me up and tend to the deficit.

Beyond that though, there have been serene moments in life when I realized that most of my projected appreciations did operate like self-fulfilling prophecies. On a good day, I am quite pleased with who I’ve become. It’s something I only know in privacy… And something that reduces the presence of my illness and the impact it had on my life to a shallow hue.

Whether or not that holds for everyone, it is possible, especially if realistic at all, that if you have expectations at the end of the development of your natural self then that character may indeed be well within reach. It’s important though to scrutinize the grandiosity of the image. We’d all like to be great, but there is no governance over day dreams.

I’m thankful you reminded me of this, because for me that sense of fulfillment was passing and occurred two years ago. It’s something I’m glad to have recalled being out there.

Keep steady. I’m 28. If you’re younger than me that day might be ahead of you. Beyond that, your illness is a part of you. It’s part of the new you. Self-acceptance can tie together the image of your new life’s potentials… These are things I’ve thought about.

Take care, and nice post. Good imagery.

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