Hey. I was a fool and a moron and an idiot. Yesterday I had a huge dinner with shrimps in garlic butter and beer, apple pie with whipped cream and soft cheese salad, and a lot more. Everything and anything I can’t eat. Basicly. I thought: if you cheat, you better cheat with everything at once, no?
Well: no.
My whole body and mind feel like they are on fire. I have been on the toilet a lot (sorry tmi). My nose is runny, my mouth feels weird, my head hurts. I have cried literally all day. I inquired about euthanasia and told my father I did. He was not happy, obviously. I have been angry and lashing out impulsively in horrible ways. I’m terribly depressed, everything is dark. I’m stimming all day. I have religious fears - not fullblown delusions, thank God. But I suddenly see why some kids start banging their head against a wall or pulling their hair out. I’d love to right now.
I do not need pity: it is my own fault.
But I would love to know if there are people with food intolerances here, who have bright ideas. Other people’s ideas on curbing emotional rollercoasters are helpful too.
Specificly:
How long can this last?
How to calm myself?
BTW: my other doctor has diagnosed the food = craziness story. My psychiatrist still does not believe food and mood have any kind of relationship at all. I send him an enraged e-mail in the style of (“I HAD DINNER AND NOW I FEEL LIKE CRAP, DO YOU BELIEVE ME NOW”). That should help him take me more seriously.
Do you have any calming routines you can do? I find that sitting in a quiet spot, drinking green tea, and listening to a bit of classical music helps unwind me. Whenever I get into food I shouldn’t it lasts about 48 hours before I get close to normal again. Drinking extra water (but not a dangerous amount) will help flush some of the crud out of your system faster, so I’d try that.
Yes binge eating is a very dangerous thing to do. I used to do that. Food behavior therapy helped, as did finding hobbies and other ways of managing my stress in a non harmful way. It’s a struggle though. Just try not to beat yourself up about it, but learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them.
48 hours seems do-able. That means I am more than half-way. Jeej. I have heard people say: if you have been off the food, you respond more heavily if you restart. I think I understand now.
I will have a pot of calming herbal tea, maybe lavender or so. That helps. I’ll search for calm music I can sing with. That helps. My dad managed to switch from angry to soothing, which helped tremendously, and I’m thankful he did. That helped.
It is the first time I binged like this after being strictly off all the nasty stuff. I don’t think I will easily repeat this. Wow. I’d love to have some guidance with the food thing, I’ll look into the food behaviour thing. Food, and especially going out for a nice dinner or so, was my normal soothing method. And way to find joy. I do need to find other ways indeed. Thanks.
Yes, it would be helpful to talk to a food therapist. Definitely complicated. It’s okay to find food pleasurable, but we don’t want to eat it in correlation to our moods. Then we end up eating to comfort ourselves, instead of to nourish our bodies. Anyway, best of luck. If you need to talk about it, we are here to support you.
It’s hard to find a balance. I use food for self-soothing. But then I can’t have most of my comfort foods, like dairy. So I need a strict diet or the above happens. But I’m also prone to swing to the other side (quitting food altogether when I’m delusional or becoming very afraid to eat). So it’s complicated indeed. It may be related to the autistic bit I was never officially diagnosed with, but runs in the family.
It’s interesting, but milder eating issues have been a symptom from early childhood. Mum said I refused most foods as a tiny little thing of maybe 1 or 2 years old. She had to manipulate me into eating, I was terribly skinny. And she said I became a little dragon when she gave me coloured candy.
The calming stuff and herbs helped. I’m still feeling like crap. But more “meh-life-is-no-fun”. Rather than “waaaah-I-will-bang-my-head-against-this-wall-or-it-will-explode”. Thanks.
You might have these splurges occasionally just to remind yourself why you ought not to. Forgive yourself, drink water and soup fresh fruit for a couple days to detox
In the Uk it is notoriously bad in how it is treated. I don’t know where to begin with it really as often it is so deep seated in people’s psyche. If you add in autististic traits then it must get even more complicated.
The essential and physical need for food is not like a heroin in that you can stop taking it altogether as one has to eat regardless.
The lifetime of the battle for being seen as thin. The cycle of overeating and undereating. The drug like euphoria from the pleasure of eating. The almost pious masochism in staying thin and starving oneself. How one sees oneself in the mirror with body dysmorphia etc.
It is really difficult to know where you see yourself in the mix and I am not really asking for that.
Perhaps you could see it as you binged and then you feel bad. The feelings in your head and rumination of all the aspects is making you a little manic.
Know this will pass. Don’t treat everything with so much immediacy. Nothing has to be addressed right now. Slow down and settle. Do some cyclical breathing aka the physiological sigh.
Understand that a normal relationship with food and body size is the goal and that takes time. Not two days, but proper counselling in the long run from a professional.
Forgive yourself for a hiccup. You have the rest of your life to sort this out. It is not a catastrophe. Patience and self compassion is needed here. It will be ok.
Take a deep breath through the nose. Stop. inhale some more and then breathe out slowly through the mouth. Do this 3 or 4 times. You will feel better, guaranteed.
Eating issues are complex indeed. And treatment here for trauma and female autism and eating disorder is non-existent. All of it.
A 17 year old girl some time ago wrote a book here. She had depression and eating disorder after rape. There was no decent treatment available. So she got euthanized. Which is, ironically, a branch of care that we are famous for. The girl died at 17. She suggested that at least one place that offered such care for teens, would be nice…as an alternative to euthanasia…
For me…
There’s the physical part. I respond supersensitively to food. Cafeine, sugar, milk, gluten, colourings…everything. Most give me a high and are addictive. But also cause problems, with severe depression and anxiety. And GI problems. And skin problems. And weird feelings in my mouth (sensory thing).
I do best on a strict diet.
It helps all the symptoms. And gives a certain sense of structure and control. But I have to be careful to keep a balance…being extremely strict and hyperfocused, and then binging, is not balance.
I don’t care for being thin. But it’s the food itself. I know I respond to food heavily. Also, there is trauma and being ashamed to live…so when I’m delusional, I’m getting scared of ALL food. And stop eating. Or get extremely picky with eating. Like, just eating a few foods. Which seems to be a rather typical auti-symptom.
I’m back down from panic mode though. Thanks for the de-escalating & breathing stuff. It helped.
Food intolerances are pretty common. If you’re overweight, a good diet is: The Virgin Diet. No gluten, soy, corn, sugar, peanuts, dairy, eggs. It’s boring but you’ll feel better.
It may be related to the autistic bit I was never officially diagnosed with, but runs in the family.