Memories that can't be

I am schizoaffective and do not experience any symptoms. I am on 2 mg of risperidone and 20 mg of prozac (depression. I also take propanolol for the anxiety. I have been doing well for over a year this way. It was a couple of years ago that I experience psychosis and it was a disaster. After that experience, I started having these vivid flashbacks to events that took place in my childhood or during high school or college. I don’t know what to make of them but there are events of torture, kidnapping, abortion (I never had an abortion), violence and gangs. I think my parents would know if I was kidnapped from my high school and tortured for hours by dozens of people but all I recall is this and being raped and beaten. I have memories of incest, murder, recklessness, my house being taken over by many bad people as a kid and repressing being starved and almost killed I was beaten so bad. My family tells me that none of this happened to me and I sort of believe them but it is hard when the memory is so vivid and I can recall it being ingrained. I remember things like the time of day, the lighting, the smell, the pain, the feelings I was feeling and everything. Does anyone have experiences they remember that just don’t add up?

i had a lot of those things happen to me. they are not something you would forget about but the brain has a tricky way of remembering things, details that aren’t exactly true to what happened. super imposing thoughts over memories.

the mandella effect is what it’s called, among other things. we make memories what we want to basically as they are not exactly what occurred when going through that moment. though some memories can be overwritten and sometimes our illness can get the better of us. maybe what your experiencing is memory disassociation from trauma by the psychosis.

it is hard to reconcile past with present sometimes until we learn to accept what we have gone through. i had a memory blanked out about my suicide until a few years later i experienced it in a dream. i woke up and i realized my mind had repressed it for some reason. i was thankful to remember it, it brought a lil more closure for me.

maybe you could talk to your doctor about this next time you speak with them and see what their thoughts are?

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those are delusional memories…back when I was still fresh out of psychosis and mostly stable I wrote a book about the memories…now it’s something I try to avoid thinking about …I want to forget it all…kind of hard when I still read my book once in a while…but …it was just such an awful time for me…I hope you overcome your memories.

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I used to write all mine down at once too and feel totally crazy. I don’t really spend too much time thinking about them anymore. I just see them as little things that will always be there but don’t affect my daily living.

Thanks! I talked to him and he basically said that I should just understand that they didn’t happen and that I should trust my family when they reassure me that the memories never occurred.

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your welcome.

the mind is a wonderful and sometimes confusing organ.

glad to hear he helped you out.

I think this illness blurs the line between sleep and wake, so we end up with waking nightmares sometimes. When I went full psychic I was having them. So it could be a something repressed, but for me it was more scary mind games. (Because I know I wasn’t crucified, had my face ripped apart , beaten or died several times while in the hospital) Ya those weren’t my best days…

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There was a woman on Dr Phil who had memories of her mom killing someone and burying them in the back yard. The mom took a lie detector test and proved to her daughter that none of this happened

No I don’t have that

sorry that was happening

I have read the news and felt all their pain

I believe since I was unmedicated, I was prodromal.

3 months later I was psychotic.

I have memories that aren’t real too. Maybe they happened in the afterlife, another dimension, another universe, etc. I’ve definitely heard of the Mandela Effect. It is one explanation for my problems, but I admit I dont know what it is or what causes it. I’ve experienced it.

This forum is my outlet. It provides a written record of all my memories and fears I have. Sometimes, I get suspended or my posts get deleted. Sometimes I’ve been over the top and encouraged delusional thinking. My bad.

I think you’re very delusional. I can’t speak for other people, only myself. I think I’m a special case.

I’ve mentioned here over the years everything that happened or might have happened to me. It’s hard to tell what is real. It makes me think I’m schizophrenic, not bipolar. Sometimes, honestly, it makes me think 50% of it was developed or given to me. Maybe I was given or my condition worsened because of outside influences/forces/people. Despite being disabled, maybe I’m not that mentally ill as long as I take my medication.

I do live in fear sometimes. Some stuff I’m afraid to talk about. I think some stuff happened to me 7 years ago but my mind was wiped or memories were repressed from trauma.

I would like to live my life and pursue computer science. I think we live in uncertain times. I think God is punishing me or played a bad trick on me. I have really bad luck.

A human can only take so much.


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