D is a woman I was in a short lived but intense relationship in my mid 20’s who has since passed away. I was looking her up online one day this past year when I found her obituary which came as a shock. The obituary said only that she had passed away unexpectedly at home. I and others assumed it was suicide, but nobody I’ve asked really knows.
I’ll always remember our first kiss in that hammock by the pond in the Berkshires. Our walks on the beach and her picking up stones or shells and holding hands. Our long drives up and down the coast. Her reading me her favorite childhood book the first night we moved in together. Preparing meals together and going drinking and dancing until 2 am and having to walk all the way home. I’d like to remember her by the good times we had rather than the sick and painful times. I know I hurt her, we hurt each other, but I know I hurt her more than I thought I was capable of. I guess even us sensitive guys are capable of going too far when pushed, when hurt.
But I’ll never forget D and our time together. Though 20 years older than I, she was a beautiful woman or “girl” as she would have said. I regret that she never got to know me in recovery from this illness. Perhaps she’s with her father now as she hoped she’d be in death.
Goodbye D, I miss you and still think of you now and then. Goodbye.