I am going to blur all this because it may be triggering.
It was like ventriloquism. Ventriloquists play two roles. Most obviously they give life to a puppet, but less obviously, even as they manipulate the puppet, they also pretend to be a person who believes in the separate existence of the puppet persona. I felt that the “I” of my self narrative was the puppet, and that a giant was pretending to be a woman, who was ventriloquizing myself talking to a transvestite puppeteer, in a plaintiff yet sexual way. The puppet was hitting on the puppeteer. Due to the nature of the roles, the sheer terrifying size of the puppeteer and behind that the giant reality, the loss of self, the loss of all dreams (particularly romantic love), and some sort of time distortion or time dissolution (I felt I could see the future, or that time did not exist), the feeling was of disgust and fear. I wrote, in a shaky hand “I am in Hell.” So in a sense I did feel I was talking to a devil. For a while after that I felt that I was the spore of the devil, going as far as to ask my parents whether my father was really my father. I felt that I could read the thoughts of others, a general sense of lack of reality, paranoia, and also self-aggrandizement.
I also felt that I would be going there again, and that by then I would have made my choices.
In answer to your second question, personally, and following Nishida Kitarou, who happened to live in the same town as where I now live, I don’t think it is wrong. But the demonic springs from the self-disgust at the nature of the simulation, that unfortunately I feel I am still living. I am in my fifties. I need to make the right “choices” faster.
I would skip Derrida. I read him first but I think the others are more readable and he adds little to the mix. He does say that hearing oneself speak is a form of masturbation, which for me is central. Yes.My self speech is a sort of masturbation, I feel. Derrida was raised in Algeria, an Islam country and the Fall of man in Islam involves a sexualised whispering, which is what thought is - our voice made quieter.
i found once i started programming a bit, it can make you think a little more odd. just cuz of all the underpinning structures. then applying that to the way the world is could definitely lead you toward a ‘simualtion hypothesis’
my key grounding technique is litterally to not think too deep lol. keep a surface level view of the world and life is a lot simpler.
i used to read the astrology thing in the newspaper, but for fun id read the wrong one to my friends on purpose, theyd be like ‘interesting that sounds like me’ then id say oops read the capricorn instead of the the scorpio, yours actually says this… lol
