This just hit me in my 5:00 a.m. pondering that many of us seemed to get trapped into some sort of magical thinking… I don’t mean in the illness sense. I mean in the making amends sense.
It’s in commercials, and in shows…
all you have to do to erase all the pain of the past… Is to carry out some magical gesture and all is forgiven… and then it’s a Brady Bunch Christmas, complete with singing.
I think many people have bought into it. Just apologize one more time, just make that one final effort and the doors of forgiveness and healing will be open.
But it never works like that. It’s really a slow process that moves in tiny inches instead of instant explosions. I think we all wish for that sudden wash of forgiveness. Maybe that’s why so much effort and Hallmark Card goes into trying to make amends… because we’re hoping for the quick and sudden boom of forgiveness. Plus it feels great to be forgiven… so I think there is a bit of a self preserving element to it.
I am also thinking that for MY family… it’s not that they are avoiding the past because they won’t forgive me. I think they are avoiding the past because they themselves are struggling with more of a combined past.
My actions made their actions, that made more of my actions, that resulted in more of their actions… they might be trying to find that boom of forgiveness from me.
I never thought of that until recently when my sis started being more open about all the stuff she says she did wrong as a kid. She started talking about all the stuff she didn’t know as a kid and how she hoped I could forgive her for stuff in the past… when really, what my illness I did to her childhood was far worse then what her lack of knowledge did to me.
But she’s been working for the boom of forgiveness, and the thing is… she doesn’t have to. I find I don’t remember a lot of the stuff she’s trying to apologize for. I hate it when she brings it up because I hate watching her beat herself up over stuff I don’t even remember.
As long as we move forward, and as long as we just try and be better people and don’t give up on ourselves… then maybe that quiet action is more like the boom of forgiveness… only it’s more like a whisper. Forgiveness takes time… just like any healing.
In other words… be patient with yourselves and others my friends.