3 years ago I was able to do something that I am no longer able to do. I was able to create a large piece of art that responded to my thoughts on the ceiling of my room. The art was beautiful and it kept changing it’s appearance. It was in a full color spectrum. I would imagine something and it would appear instantly.
I am no stranger to intelligent life that is not human and it used to lead me to wonderful things. So after a couple minutes of me imagining this artwork outside myself beings started to “move in” to the art. Things like trailer’s would appear and have life of their own going on.
I wouldn’t have minded the company, except very quickly after other’s started moving in, I started to have an episode where voices started to swear at me and I felt like the inside of my body was being physically attacked in response to what these voices were saying. At a certain point I was in so much fear that I could no longer think clearly and I got scared that my roommates might be affected by what was screwing with me. So I got up and walked out of the apartment. I walked all day while hearing these voices and eventually got a hotel room just to try to sleep it off.
The next day I moved out of my apartment and flew to another state to live with my mother. I have had voices screwing with me ever since and I now take med’s that are supposed to fix my brain so that the voices go away.
Thing is, I kinda miss the abilities I used to have. Including the thought based artwork. It was something wonderful and unique, that not many people (not that I know) would know was even possible.
Now that I am diagnosed as a schizophrenic, it wouldn’t be unusual for a schizophrenic to hallucinate a living piece of artwork. But I no longer know how to do it. I also fear that the artwork outside of me was connected to the inside of my body or at least had a direct connection to my brain and that is part of the reason why I got attacked.
Is it possible that I can once again use my imagination to create art with my thoughts? Is it safer now that I’m on med’s? Am I nuts to want something that caused me to get attacked and hear voices?
Just trying to use my imagination visually doesn’t seem to work anymore. As it stands now I can’t actually imagine for more than a second or so without it getting interrupted. Even if I can’t make that type of artwork safely, I would at least want to be able to use my imagination for a solid minute or two.
What do you guys think?