Looking for ideas on how to achieve this

Continuing the discussion from Relating to siblings:

This is getting hard to do. I really need some help with this. How does one stay out of the middle? Should one stay out of the middle?

I can feel myself wanting to add my own flavor of helpful to the situation and this time my flavor of helpful has a lot of hot pepper. Do others have a hard time staying out of the middle?

If not, how do you do it… Not just between siblings, between any two people you know for any reason.

Did u talk to your parents? What did they suggest to you?

It would be difficult for anyone caught in your situation.

Well I think my ex colleague taught me they would have a division of labour, having two persons to talk to each of the them, to ask them a lot of questions and help them assess/analyze their own situation and choose their course of action.

Do u think your family can do that adequately?

I told the parents about the youngest brother and the kid sis. How with me, the youngest brother is just the best guy ever. Supportive, understanding, friendly. With the sis… out of line, sadistic, and just (I don’t have a clean rated G word to insert here)

The parents said… “John and Riley have their own odd relationship. She can handle anything he throws at her”

I said, “So what if he throws another punch like last time?”

they said, “then call the police” They are not going to get involved. She is on her own. They keep saying, “She’s a strong lass, she can take it.”

Can u summarize what is your worry?
What is some resource person u or your sis can get some support from?

To divert your attention a bit, I find a Ramune today and I can easily unscrew the cap. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

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My worry:
I am thinking that she is strong, but a person can only take so much. I would love to avoid what ever wreck is coming from this.

I am a feminist and I do believe that we men do not need to rescue the damsel all the time, that sometimes the girl can in fact get herself out of trouble. But at the same time… I don’t like seeing this.

He is bordering on harassment in my opinion and I would like to see it end.

I’m trying to understand and keep in mind that he’s going through his anger phase. Being on the lucid end of this is an eye opener. I do NOT like seeing people bullied. That is what I think I’m seeing

Some resource for her… Me. that’s it. Maybe in a blue moon her other brother Jack. The brother who is bothering her is also her boss. He’s a senior guard at the pool where she works. His transfer didn’t go through. So she gets to fight him off at work too.

I couldn’t do it yesterday. It wouldn’t unscrew. I ran out of lighter fluid when I tried to the marble out.

When dealing with family and emotions I don’t think there are any correct answers.

Here is a situation I find myself quit frequently. My sister hates my kid’s father, my ex. Part of this hate is justified and part of it isn’t. So I’m in the middle between my sister and my ex. Years of build up negativity and unresolved emotions compound the situation. I can’t bring up my ex around my sister without dealing with a lot of negativity. The kicker is that she says she hates him because he hates her. Well he doesn’t hate her so… In my opinion it’s not a past mistake that fuels the hatred but unresolved emotions. This situation started way back in my drug days so about 14 years ago when my ex tried to protect our kids from me and justifiably so. There are so many things that I would like to say to her but I don’t because it won’t help the situation. I can’t change her hurt feelings that she has turned into hatred. I listen to my sister when she says “blank” about my ex. Then move on to the next topic as there is nothing else that I can do.

Your situation hits a lot closer to home. I understand wanting to add your viewpoint. Maybe ask yourself this: Is what I want to say going to help the situation? Or is there a different way that I can say it? It’s so much easier to do boundaries when it’s not family and emotions are involved. Sorry I don’t have the answer.

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Ok, so what do u have in mind about reporting to the police?

I bet we all know the answer to that one. I am trying very hard to breathe and not have this become big in my head. But it’s not easy. My sis is using logic. I don’t want to use logic. I want the youngest brother to show the same respect to the sis as he shows to me.

The thing is… I KNOW he’s in recovery so his brian is all over the place but he is NOT the injured party here. My sis called in almost every favor she had to save his job. So he still has insurance and money in savings.

For him to act like the injured one in the way he is… If he was just snapping at her, a quick temper rise, and cool off and move on, I could understand that. I wouldn’t like it, but I’ve been there.

But leaving really horrid letters on her car, the nasty phone calls then telling the parents how awful and unsupportive she is. It’s bullying.

I could only go to the police if he beats her up again. That I know.

So u wanted to stop ur youngest brother’s harassment to ur sis and yet u wanted to resolve it without reporting to the police. But he doesn’t listen to u. She either.

I know it’s not the most logical line of thinking. Sitting here, at my desk in the quiet I can totally agree that I need to figure myself out on this. I know for now I’m trying for sort of find my ground and figure out which direction to look. My sis says ignore the letters and if he doesn’t back her up at work it will be reported and look bad on him not her.

She has taken to ignoring him and says he is trying to get her attention due to the fact that she is ignoring him right now. She keeps saying the even negative attention is still attention.

But when I hear/see the stuff he’s been pulling, I get really heated about it. I want to do something.

I do agree with you that what he is doing is bullying. It seem she has become his scapegoat. Perhaps a safe place for him to put his own negativity. Safe for him, harmful for her. Maybe the approach of how someone might deal with an angry child who is misplacing his feelings. Ignore the phone calls and tear up the letters. To react to it is to give it more purpose. Kind of like how I had to with my son. Set up boundaries and help sis to stand up for herself and be respected in a calm manner. If you can’t talk nice then no talking. Hang up the phone. I hope it gets better.


I like it. Yes. That I can do. The letters have been bad. Then he’ll call with this odd “Hey, when I said I was sad you didn’t die? just kidding” But then he’ll leave another detailed letter about how horrid it is that she’s alive.

He’s just messing with her. I am very good at being a guy who doesn’t let anyone in to the land of OZ. More boundaries. I’m trying to keep calm.

If she wants to call the police, this is her right nobody can take away. And then it is up to the cop to decide how they would intervene. Most of the time, they dont charge anyone but help u sort out the conflicts a bit. It is up to their judgment if there is a criminal deeds or physical harms.

What comes up to your mind when you say you feel heated and want to do something?

I stay away from conflict by being very pragmatic, that is, doing what needs to be done and only that. I would be neutral until someone crosses the lines you have drawn, and then take action from there. For example, if someone were to be violent I would just knock them out with one punch, but people arent violent with me because they know that it would be very very stupid to provoke me into a physical fight. If I were you, if one of them lays a hand on her other than a pat on the back, I would call the police.

Just carry on like normal and if one of your brothers steps out of line, dont hesitate to contact authorities. They will see a girl and her mentally ill brother being messed with and will undoubtedly take the side of a young woman and a mentally ill man.

Anyone can use words to try to hurt you, but we all have heard evil voices so like I give a ■■■■ when people think words hurt. Just DO NOT ACCEPT PHYSICAL ABUSE and call the cops if they harm or threaten either one of you. You two, the dynamic duo, Kid Sis and James don’t deserve any ■■■■■■■■ from your brothers.

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from what i know of your sis , she is dynamic and strong and can fight her own battles but she also has the strength and wisdom to ask for help when she needs it.
you can not live other peoples lives.
only when a party goes too far do you intervene.
( here endith more dark sith wisdom, dark sith can be seen taking a bow !! applause ! standing ovation ! applause !! encore, wow i am good !! )
take care