I don’t know what it is that I have. I have been diagnosed as bipolar by one psychiatrist or psychologist and schizoaffective by another. So here is the history… When I was 21 yrs old I was attending a community college. Long story short I sent inappropriate emails to a professor who’s class I had taken before and who I thought was attractive in a physical way. This is where my psychiatric problems began to show up. The weird thing is in my normal state I would not even consider or think of doing something like this. It was as if everything was all jumbled up in my mind. The funny thing is that what I think to be my normal state- may be when I have taken my meds or off them I don’t know what my normal state is. I have consistently taking meds for 5 years now, haven’t skipped a day actually once but nothing more than once for sure. This is of my greatest concern. I am on 7.5 mg of Abilify and it seems like something is changing. I have this feeling that I have to move-my head back and forth I’m not dizzy though.
This started recently, where I would be sleeping and my mind would seem so active as I slept. Then when I wake up I feel lethargic, spacey and unable to focus(though this is common for me), just songs playing in my head for the most part-example: Taylor Swift “everything has changed” I like this song btw : )- I can hold conversations with people- it is when I am alone- is when I am not too clear headed compared to being with people. So being with people I feel somewhat clearheaded but still not completely.
Rewind to the beginning of my timeline and I can say with clarity that my parents were never there for as a child from an emotional and intellectual standpoint- I was the youngest of three children- and from what remember had no emotional and intellectual stimulation- evidence for this is that- I didn’t speak until I would say I was 4 years old. I have always had dissociative like qualities growing up from child to teen to young adult. I wonder if dissociation and schizophrenia are closely related?
I can say with certainty that I have always had problems expressing my feelings, thoughts and emotions verbally. I may seem pretty clear headed now- but I can’t help but wonder what it is that I may or may not have.
So going back to when I was attending the community college- the feeling that I had was one where it was almost it was my destiny or fate to be with the professor somehow-in a relationship. I should also add that my nutrition wasn’t good at all- two packages of ramen late at night after I got home from work at 1245 am, candy, the occasional hamburger- and almost nothing else.
I have no idea where I got the notion of the whole destiny thing or where it came from. But it doesn’t matter right now and it didn’t matter back then. Before I was admitted to the inpatient psychiatric center- I did a lot of strange things. Firstly- I plucked these dandelion like flowers out of the front lawn and started putting it in my mouth- not eating it just kind of sucking on it- I don’t remember the taste- then later on for some reason I took one shoe off and a stick and started walking. I was so “out of it” sad with emotion that I even walked in the middle of the road for -luckily it was the suburbs- a while later until someone stopped me- I talked to him for a bit and today I still remember his name I think-so long story short I was admitted to the hospital shortly after- diagnosed as bipolar prescribed Depakote, and other meds I can’t remember but I know that I have a list of. After being discharged the first time I was home but still under the impression of the whole destiny thing- being with the professor- None of what I did made sense- I can only describe the emotions at the time- sadness, anger, a sense of finality, losing touch with reality. So I was home for one or two weeks before my second inpatient psychiatric hospitalization. The sad part was that no one- in my family at the time and even today was considerate of what was truly going on my life in general. This was when things turned violent. I forgot to mention that I remember saying awful things the first time I was hospitalized- even though it was one thing I said- happened more than once-looking back on it I don’t want to be in that situation again. So after being at home for a couple of weeks
I was so focused almost delusional that I lost my sanity- I kicked the walls down punch holes into the walls.
Like every “great” story which happens to be my life there is a twist. Before my second hospitalization- my parents who happen to be Buddhists or at least follow Buddhhism ( the more people claim or associate or be part of something, the more it seems like they aren’t too many rules/dogma to follow and too many ways a person can break these rules-causing them to be ostracized) So being the geniuses they are- my parents take me to a Buddhist church, Buddhist monk’s house, and even bring friends or associates of my parents to our old house-not all in one day of course- all this while I am psychotic for lack of a better term. My parents have this belief where this illness is somehow partially caused by some sort of religious/superstitious phenomenon. They somehow think that spirits are to partially to blame- me working the late shift and coming home exposed me to spirits that roam late at night and can somehow attach to the body of a living person- or something like this- strange? Yes? Do I believe in this? A strong no.
Rewind way back to even before I was born- I didn’t learn of this until after all the whole incident- so before I was born – my parents had an oracle or fortune telling thingy to decipher how my life would be. It was somehow forecasted that I would face a challenge or illness of some sort that I would have to “pass or overcome” at the age of my late twenties-
Anyways-thanks for listening to me vent. I could go on into more details but will end my story….
Any ideas what this could be??? Thanks for your input.