Long read but I need another opinion about my diagnosis

I don’t know what it is that I have. I have been diagnosed as bipolar by one psychiatrist or psychologist and schizoaffective by another. So here is the history… When I was 21 yrs old I was attending a community college. Long story short I sent inappropriate emails to a professor who’s class I had taken before and who I thought was attractive in a physical way. This is where my psychiatric problems began to show up. The weird thing is in my normal state I would not even consider or think of doing something like this. It was as if everything was all jumbled up in my mind. The funny thing is that what I think to be my normal state- may be when I have taken my meds or off them I don’t know what my normal state is. I have consistently taking meds for 5 years now, haven’t skipped a day actually once but nothing more than once for sure. This is of my greatest concern. I am on 7.5 mg of Abilify and it seems like something is changing. I have this feeling that I have to move-my head back and forth I’m not dizzy though.
This started recently, where I would be sleeping and my mind would seem so active as I slept. Then when I wake up I feel lethargic, spacey and unable to focus(though this is common for me), just songs playing in my head for the most part-example: Taylor Swift “everything has changed” I like this song btw : )- I can hold conversations with people- it is when I am alone- is when I am not too clear headed compared to being with people. So being with people I feel somewhat clearheaded but still not completely.

Rewind to the beginning of my timeline and I can say with clarity that my parents were never there for as a child from an emotional and intellectual standpoint- I was the youngest of three children- and from what remember had no emotional and intellectual stimulation- evidence for this is that- I didn’t speak until I would say I was 4 years old. I have always had dissociative like qualities growing up from child to teen to young adult. I wonder if dissociation and schizophrenia are closely related?
I can say with certainty that I have always had problems expressing my feelings, thoughts and emotions verbally. I may seem pretty clear headed now- but I can’t help but wonder what it is that I may or may not have.
So going back to when I was attending the community college- the feeling that I had was one where it was almost it was my destiny or fate to be with the professor somehow-in a relationship. I should also add that my nutrition wasn’t good at all- two packages of ramen late at night after I got home from work at 1245 am, candy, the occasional hamburger- and almost nothing else.
I have no idea where I got the notion of the whole destiny thing or where it came from. But it doesn’t matter right now and it didn’t matter back then. Before I was admitted to the inpatient psychiatric center- I did a lot of strange things. Firstly- I plucked these dandelion like flowers out of the front lawn and started putting it in my mouth- not eating it just kind of sucking on it- I don’t remember the taste- then later on for some reason I took one shoe off and a stick and started walking. I was so “out of it” sad with emotion that I even walked in the middle of the road for -luckily it was the suburbs- a while later until someone stopped me- I talked to him for a bit and today I still remember his name I think-so long story short I was admitted to the hospital shortly after- diagnosed as bipolar prescribed Depakote, and other meds I can’t remember but I know that I have a list of. After being discharged the first time I was home but still under the impression of the whole destiny thing- being with the professor- None of what I did made sense- I can only describe the emotions at the time- sadness, anger, a sense of finality, losing touch with reality. So I was home for one or two weeks before my second inpatient psychiatric hospitalization. The sad part was that no one- in my family at the time and even today was considerate of what was truly going on my life in general. This was when things turned violent. I forgot to mention that I remember saying awful things the first time I was hospitalized- even though it was one thing I said- happened more than once-looking back on it I don’t want to be in that situation again. So after being at home for a couple of weeks
I was so focused almost delusional that I lost my sanity- I kicked the walls down punch holes into the walls.
Like every “great” story which happens to be my life there is a twist. Before my second hospitalization- my parents who happen to be Buddhists or at least follow Buddhhism ( the more people claim or associate or be part of something, the more it seems like they aren’t too many rules/dogma to follow and too many ways a person can break these rules-causing them to be ostracized) So being the geniuses they are- my parents take me to a Buddhist church, Buddhist monk’s house, and even bring friends or associates of my parents to our old house-not all in one day of course- all this while I am psychotic for lack of a better term. My parents have this belief where this illness is somehow partially caused by some sort of religious/superstitious phenomenon. They somehow think that spirits are to partially to blame- me working the late shift and coming home exposed me to spirits that roam late at night and can somehow attach to the body of a living person- or something like this- strange? Yes? Do I believe in this? A strong no.
Rewind way back to even before I was born- I didn’t learn of this until after all the whole incident- so before I was born – my parents had an oracle or fortune telling thingy to decipher how my life would be. It was somehow forecasted that I would face a challenge or illness of some sort that I would have to “pass or overcome” at the age of my late twenties-
Anyways-thanks for listening to me vent. I could go on into more details but will end my story….
Any ideas what this could be??? Thanks for your input.

seesh I need some sleep

I hope you got some sleep :smile:

It seems you have a pretty good grasp on what is happening. Sometimes medications stop working. I think it’s possible that that is what is happening. Having songs stuck in your head is not necessarily a bad thing as long as it’s not interfering with things that you want to do. If your mind is more alert while sleeping then that may be another indication of the medication not working as it should. Talk to your doctor about what is happening. Good luck.

If they were Dandelions, they would be rich in calcium and iron.

I was not a good, or kind person when I was in hospital. I said a lot of really atrocious stuff to everyone all the time. I cussed out my parents a few times as well. I’ve apologized a lot for that but my parents give me a hug, shake their head and say… “It’s Ok, those days are over.”

It does sound like if your having a hard time not slipping back into the head circus, you might need to talk to your doc and see if your meds are still working. This isn’t for everyone, but I also ended up with a therapist to help me get through the delusions and confusions. I need therapy as well as meds.

First thing first: please please please do your best to stop working night shifts. Sleep depravation for a person who suffers from a mental disease is a no-no. I can tell you myself that most of my de-compensations (psychotic phases, as you call them) happened when I lacked sleep and was malnourished for a longer period of time.

Secondly: please eat correctly. See above.

From what I know Depakote is ment to stabilise your emotions (so no more kicking walls and stuff). I’d advise you to take the list of medicines you have noted down and learn a thing or two about what they do to help minimise your symptoms. Your psychiatrist will be glad to explain a thing or two if you ask them, I am sure of it.

As for your diagnosis, you will have to be aware of the fact that the diagnoses currently available are given following an ever-changing manual, called the DSM (Diagnose and Statistic manual of Mental disorders). According to the DSM version and the practitioner’s interpretation, you could either have bipolar or schizoaffective. The two have been seen as interchangeable for a long time, schizophrenia in general is still under intense study. So I would stop worying about the diagnosis and rather focus on your particular symptoms and what ailments (help) are (is) available.
As for your normal self - your disorder may affect your personality, it’s sadly true and that can get rather confusing at times. I just hope you will succeed in finding your true self through all of that. Remember: all of us, diagnosed or not, disabled or not, schizophrenic or not, we all have to decide who we are. It’s the same quest for every human being.

I hope that helps.