Llama story time. TW

Small, and compact. Alone in the void. No space, no time. Whole, one. Eternal. Everything that is, was, and will be. In perfect order. None of this entropy.

I remember the schism, the rush, the energy. When we all split. Another realm watched us, since the beginning, confused and in awe. I was once there, that other realm.

I remember falling, beyond time and space. The walls speeding past me as I fell, faster and faster. I was up so high. It took ages.

Fire and pressure, points of light all around me…others? I fell until I lost everything. The abilities, the knowledges, the other realms.

I…woke up? Physical, biological…living… I had to learn to move and sustain. I began to feel, to experience life, as the old realms faded away like dreams, only flashes left.

So what now? Climb back towards pinnacle? Find home again? I’m going to be waiting a long time til the next cycle, I’m worried.

This, Human experience is confusing, limiting. It has solid rules of physics and laws. It’s no longer complete and whole. The Infinite is asymmetrical…

So here I sit, feeling trapped and homesick for a realm I can’t get back to while in this form. Longing… and trying to remember why I came in the first place.

Feeling upset that I may not of consented to this existence.

shrugs and sighs

This thinking is getting me nowhere

:llama:

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That’s slightly dangerous thinking. The whole “things will be better when you’re dead” is bogus.

When do you get to see your new psychiatrist?

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Yeah, man,

You can’t let yourself fall into that trap of thinking.

I’m also interested to hear when you see your new doctor, like @everhopeful.

Maybe they can offer you a treatment plan that’ll better suite your needs.

Sounds like you’re really suffering in this mindset,

Sorry.

I hope you feel better soon.

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Perhaps. I’m gonna watch it and writing it out helped. I wouldn’t say better, just different.

I have memories, waking dreams, how do you deny your own memories? Or what you experienced.

Sigh. It’s the illness, I have to tell myself that.

New Pdoc is on the 10th and case worker already discussed Invega or Clozapine.

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That’s great. Only a few days away. Best of luck with the appointment.

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Thanks EH, Thanks Mr. Gable.

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I’m glad you only have to go another few days for help. Hang in there. I know it’s hard when you feel like that, but keep coming on sz.com for support until you get the help you need. You’re very valuable to us and we’re rooting for you.

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Thank you Pianogal.

I’m just having an off day.

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Well I hope you feel better soon.

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Feel better llama dude, help is right around the corner.

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Sounds like you’re having a bad day. Have you enough insight to know that you are delusional?

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shakes his head “no”

These are old feelings re-emerging, long solid held beliefs, they’re just on the forefront of my mind today.

I broke down and smoked A joint. Calmed me down a lot. Didn’t set off my paranoia or hallucinations, least no more than than they were already happening. Risky, but it’s good to know I can still smoke the mild stuff

My pills and PRN are working this afternoon. Keeping me sedated. The thoughts are there. They never truly go away, and I’m still questioning.

I’m more or less at a polite disagreement with myself. Getting tired of waiting for answers, and I’ve been promised answers once I leave this mortal form. But I’m being patiently observant to living this life to its fullest.

Does that make any sense?

Wishing you well Trish!

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@Ooorgle,

I hope today is better than yesterday, for you. Sometimes, I have delusions that come back time after time… I hope you’ve been able to deal with them. It’s tough.

Drugs are never the answer. It doesn’t matter the question. I hope you are in a good place, today, and go onto better things. I’m glad your meds are working.

Hope you are well! Take it easy!

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