Anxiety, fingernails are ravaged, can’t get thoughts of past failings out of my head.
Hurting myself over and over with thoughts I can’t control. They burst like sparks inside my head, have to actively fight them. Gets tiring.
I just don’t believe it’s real. Everything is just a light show, and shadow puppets. I’m having a hard time convincing myself. Don’t like that.
Still believe I’m a dimensional entity stuck in a human form. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that.
Zyprexa has helped my voices immensely. I still get them but they’re a lot less intense. I’m happy with that. So that’s something. I’m med compliant.
The duality is funny to me. I can be simultaneously a god, and the worst consciousness to ever exist, by my own standards and volition.
It’s grandeur and self loathing. Need to figure a way out of the thought patterns, constant meta regulation of thoughts, a filter and screen. Exhausting.
Keep my strength up, keep fighting, don’t folly, don’t waver. That’s the only way you can make it out alive.
The thing is it works great for the voices, spirits only whisper or simple phrases, not the constant picking on me or angels telling me I’m chosen. So I’m happy with that side of it.
Walls still move and breath, lines melt and bend. Still see things that confuse me sometimes. Spirits and shadows, the dead and beings of light.
Part of me just wants to give in and just wallow in suffering. But I recognize those thoughts as unhealthy. Defeatist.
Thank you for some insight EH, I hope you’re doing well.
I suffered from very similar delusions. I don’t know how I managed to break the spell. Combating or arguing with voices does not work. Even acknowledging them is harmful. I can only suggest doing the opposite of what you feel like is good. You may think that your flesh prison is disgusting and it does not matter that it’s dirty. Go wash it. You may think your relatives deserve not your attention. Make them tea. Etc.
