So this morning I’m fighting off the thoughts and feeling I’m more than “this”. more than my physical form.
My limbs feel far away and light, something inside floating up and being dragged down at the same time.
Thoughts that I was once eternal and infinite, something more than the form I’m currently trapped in.
I’m remembering a time when all things existed within me, were one with me. Or I was one with them. A part of me, the same.
Struggling to hold onto mindfulness, keeping myself present. Fighting off this. Reminding myself this is probably delusion. That it’s just the illness.
Feeling lost in space/time, flashes of memories of the singularity. It’s all fallen apart, entropy is taking control.
Mass and energy, both contain data, if this data can be accessed, what limits then does this form possess? The mind is clever, but limited in its resources. Only having one is strange.
Do I desire to return? Hrm. That would involve a hypothetical, Big Crunch. Bring back the singularity. But then I risk entropy again. Unless the entropy was a choice.
Fragmented memories, trapped in this form. Testing me. Always testing, always trying to figure out what I am, and capable of.
Wondering now how many of us are aware of what we are. Fragments of consciousness of something that was greater, before the split.
Did it give its life so that we could experience it too? Albeit fleetingly.
Maybe that’s the source of the loneliness I’ve felt for so many years. Knowledge can ostracize? Seems fitting.
Where’s the line anymore, what does one life matter when you’ve reached a different level of understanding. Dying just becomes an inconvenience at that point. Await the next form to uncover these thoughts and feelings.
So just an endless cycle? No, must remember that the infinite is asymmetrical. The maps tell me as much.
So what then is real. I’m given the laws of this creation to an extent, some of the physics. But I’m lost to the scale. I can’t figure out how big we are in relation. I can’t feel that far in this form.
I’ve seen the lines and fabric of this world shift and melt, wisp and fall away like a gossamer veil, enough times to know how fragile it is.
“Wake up” they tell me. I can’t wake up that way, the angels saw to that. I’m tired of waking up. I just want rest. Almost 14 billion years went by in oblivion, what’s eternity worth? It was peaceful for a time until I was forced here, to deal with “this” new dream.