I really don’t mind who knows that I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 2016 because Four years later I have my schizophrenia under absolute 100% control and I don’t think I have EVER felt more in love with who I am than I do today and I’d say the main reason for that is that my schizophrenia diagnosis forced me into intense therapeutic situations involving classrooms full of others suffering not just like me but suffering just the same. I was FORCED to sit for an hour a week talking to a bland woman that I did not like one bit. She had little to say but “Try DBT” (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) which I ended up being forced into anyway when I got caught drinking on probation. I’ve peed in a cup far, far, FAR too many times for me care anymore and yet still I did. Every damn time I had to do it I felt humiliated and those ladies who have to watch you pee, while they are wearing gloves it is still disgusting to have to spend the morning smelling the pee of 100 other people and having to handle it… ew. I was FORCED out of my nearly 10 year hibernation with my voices because my voices literally overnight turned from angels & Gods speaking of life, love & all things good about the universe 
(Let me repeat that this change literally happened over the course of a single day. I knew I was schizophrenic the moment I heard the 1st voice back in 2008 but it said “Turn left” while I was walking around Oak Lake by myself and no one anywhere near me. I can’t explain why I chose to follow but I did indeed turn left and I can explain the magically warm and tingling sensation that over came my whole body, mind & soul it felt the moment I turned left. That’s how I felt with my voices from 2008-2016 and it was incredible! I felt like I was talking to the Gods because the voices were NEVER anything negative for eight blissful years.)
Suddenly, on 4/20/2016 I woke up to a voice I was VERY familiar with for about the past four years. He started getting pushy in his instruction meaning NEVER in my schizophrenic past or present do I EVER feel compelled to do anything more than simply talk to my voices (which I still get despite medication to this day) because never since that first day have I been instructed by them. They just talked and I just listened and sometimes talked back when I was alone but never in front of anyone. I heard literally hundreds of voices and was able to hide it from Scott although near the end he suspected something was wrong but he incorrectly thought I was abusing massive amounts of drugs and alcohol and that was the reason for my erratic behavior.
2016 started and ended with me in the loving arms of my husband and children but April to August was probably the worst & best months of my entire life. I was homeless on the streets of Lincoln, Nebraska for the month of June while I waited for a bed to open up in the People’s City Mission and spent another month in a room with 20 other women. I don’t want to talk about how it happened right now and you’ll see why in a minute.
The short version is the voices became pushy and I had multiple miniature blackouts over the course of the day once while driving which scared me but at the time I didn’t realize that anything was changing because it was happening so fast that I just thought I was having a really REALY bad day. I spent the entire day avoiding everyone and everything which only made things about 1,000 times worse because apparently socialization… true socializing where you put down your phone, look each other in the eye, and have a heart felt conversation about anything that floats your boat as long as you stay 100% connected with the person you are communicating with… it truly helps. But I secluded myself and for the first time in all my years of working no call, no showed at work leaving my elderly charge to have to call for someone else to come get him out of his wheelchair and into bed for the night. That’s the last thing I remember about that night with absolute clarity. From that moment on I was at the whim of this voice who once was kind, funny & charming but was now not so kind.
I woke up from a dream involving Scott doing some of the most terrible things imaginable and I can remember waking up SUPER angry because the emotions of my dream had not yet subsided and just like that morning when I woke up the first voice that I heard was not my sweet husband’s but none other than Lucifer himself. It isn’t fair to be possessed by a demon and that is exactly what it felt like. I felt like a puppeteer had the strings to my body and brain and someone else with sinister intentions had the controls because everyone who knows me knows that I am not now nor have I EVER been a violent or aggressive person but something in me snapped that day and for a really long time I was not right with myself which meant I was not right for anyone else including my husband & children.
I can’t say that I shouldn’t have been punished for what I did that night but the city of Lincoln, Nebraska can’t even begin to understand the severity of the punishment I ultimately recieved for going into a schizophrenic blackout and punching my poor husband right in the mouth. I should have been put in a hospital and instead was thrown in jail where I recieved no help whatsoever no matter how many days in a row I told them that I needed to see a doctor. When my sister bailed me out being with family helped some but I freaked out on her and scared her so bad that she kicked me out. I didn’t want to burden anyone else and didn’t even think that I HAD anyone else so I wandered the streets of Lincoln for three whole days and nights before I became vaguely aware that lack of sleep was causing me to hallucinate but I didn’t have a bed and it was the first time in my life that I didn’t have a bed so I didn’t know what to do. I was walking nonstop and had huge blisters across the entire pads of my feet because I just didnt know what else to do besides walk. I sat down on the front steps to an apartment building and the next thing I knew it was night.
I don’t know why I didn’t get to the hospital because I knew I needed help. I think I was scared to lose the only entities that I had left to interact with even if they were imagined. I did eventually get to the hospital where I was immediately diagnosed and medicated. I’ve spent the last three years recovering from being ripped away from the only family or friends I had in my life at the time. I was completely alone and had no means to provide for ANY of my own needs and had no one to protect and provide for me. In any case I got home and while I had my husband and children and less voices I truly felt that I had no friends.
I did it to myself beginning when I dropped my whole of everything here in Lincoln, Nebraska to spend six years raising children alone with no friends or family because I was so crazy busy raising babies and loving my husband during the few moments here and there that he wasn’t deployed that I had time enough to make maybe three good friends that I still have to this day and two of those were Scott’s friends. I just don’t find people quickly or easily.
Well about a year ago I decided that I am not letting myself be alone anymore. If I like you and think that you are a good person, I want to spend more time with you. I apologize to the people that I know I am going to ghost because I don’t want you in my life but it is my ■■■■■■■ life not yours and if you want to spend ANY time in mine you should probably listen when I speak because I have been ignored in this world for far too ■■■■■■■ long to want to play games with MY LIFE. I have spent 40 years being beat the ■■■■ down and I have brought my own self back up all on my Goddamned own and I won’t have anyone else force me into such a submissive and unhappy state of mind for as long as I have the state of mind to fight of parasitic people… parasitic entities… parasitic f u c k I n g anyone or anything with nothing to offer and desires only ever to take. I just didn’t have it in my heart to love so hard anymore and that deeply saddened me. I needed a severe and desperate change not in myself or how I behaved but in how other people behaved towards me.
I need 100% beyond total acceptance of me for who I am in 2020 and I just happen to love everything about myself INCLUDING the fact that I am schizophrenic. I know it sounds crazy to say that I like being schizophrenic but here’s the deal. If I DON’T love everything about myself including the schizophrenia I am depressed and beyond disappointed and completely unhappy. I am hopelessly interested in psychology and due to my diagnosis I am in a unique position where I can and am offering society one of the most intense submersions in to the mind of a schizophrenic that I can produce with the mind of a schizophrenic. I love the study of psychology and scores no less than an A+ in every psychology course that I took in college.
I’m far from stupid and while I have absolutely no idea exactly what I am doing I know in my heart that while the road has been riddled with potholes and speed bumps that the end of that terribly abused and neglected road is right in front of me and I think I’m going to turn left.