I think I’m resolving a lot of hatred of myself. Thank you guys.
So I’ve been thinking a lot about what will happen in the future.
I may not stay in Canada, but what’s so wrong with that? I mean sure, I will never be able to talk or advocate for others on the grounds of mental illness. I will die without my brother knowing about my schizophrenia.
I’m not really afraid of death. I’ve been scared of it after I received the diagnosis of a degenerative disease, and the scare of cardiomyopathy. 50% those who have dilated cardiomyopathy die. I’m totally okay with that now. Only the Heavens know if that’ll ever going to happen, but I’m not afraid of it.
Since time is the only thing I’m fighting, I’m thinking of writing my brother series of letters- given that he will have the chance to read it after I die. I’m worried about my brother getting angry at my parents due to the sentiment they had on my mental health and how they decided to hide my illness because they were ashamed, but I feel like he has the right to know- only after my death.
Or, I may end up in Canada if the officer deems me not applicable for excessive demand. Since I have not been hospitalized for 3+ years and remains mostly symptom free (except for CPTSD), it could happen. I don’t know. We’ll see what they decide. If they decide I’m excessively demanding, okay I’ll go back my country and start my life there. No problem.
But I let go of most things now. I’m not afraid of most things that’s firing at me.
Not even the fear of death can stop me from going forward.