Letting go

I think I’m resolving a lot of hatred of myself. Thank you guys.

So I’ve been thinking a lot about what will happen in the future.
I may not stay in Canada, but what’s so wrong with that? I mean sure, I will never be able to talk or advocate for others on the grounds of mental illness. I will die without my brother knowing about my schizophrenia.

I’m not really afraid of death. I’ve been scared of it after I received the diagnosis of a degenerative disease, and the scare of cardiomyopathy. 50% those who have dilated cardiomyopathy die. I’m totally okay with that now. Only the Heavens know if that’ll ever going to happen, but I’m not afraid of it.

Since time is the only thing I’m fighting, I’m thinking of writing my brother series of letters- given that he will have the chance to read it after I die. I’m worried about my brother getting angry at my parents due to the sentiment they had on my mental health and how they decided to hide my illness because they were ashamed, but I feel like he has the right to know- only after my death.

Or, I may end up in Canada if the officer deems me not applicable for excessive demand. Since I have not been hospitalized for 3+ years and remains mostly symptom free (except for CPTSD), it could happen. I don’t know. We’ll see what they decide. If they decide I’m excessively demanding, okay I’ll go back my country and start my life there. No problem.

But I let go of most things now. I’m not afraid of most things that’s firing at me.
Not even the fear of death can stop me from going forward.


Glad you’re moving forward with your life, I wish you luck going forward

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Thank you, I appreciate that.

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If u ask me about my life, well it has come to a standstill. No progress no job hence no marriage to a girl for so many years. I mean do you even call this life. What did I do to get this life and this disease? I am afraid of death and geopolitics with current USA Iran war which many say will blow up into world war is making the fear more stronger.

I actually thought about that for a while.
For me, I always thought that “why me?” Why did I get a degenerative disease AND sz? But it’s just how life is…the pain is there, but we are stronger than our pain.
With the political situation, please don’t worry.

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hi @laetitia . thanx for ur reply.

in few words u have given an apt, sensible and realistic happy reply. I liked it.
I think in some peoples lives like us there is pain. there’s no point in asking why me, bcoz we may ask that for our entire life and get no answer.

I would like to befriend u. r u an Asian? bcoz I am one, I am an indian. of course geography doesn’t matter.

I hope ur degenerative disease and sz both go away by god’s grace and blessing.
I believe in God. do you?

I would like to chat more with u.
for some reason I feel our wave lengths match.
take care. God bless.

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Thank you. I’m trying to be more sensible as I remove myself from triggers.

Yes, I’m an Asian from South Korea! I actually have a friend from India. She also has a degenerative disease like myself, but with a different subtype.

I hope so, too. I kind of accepted this as my life, but it doesn’t hurt to hope.

Let’s stick around and chat- right now I’ve turned my profile into private but I’ll throw you a message soon after final exams.

Also, talking about God/religion is forbidden in this forum. I just wanted to let you know.

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ok good to learn a few things about u.

u r from south korea but is that where u crurrently live or u r chatting from the US as most members here r from.

ok lets chat here till u r comfortable, have no issues.

I used to stand first in my class in school and now I am jobless not to mention the illness of sz. Can u imagine how ugly turn can ur life take? I mean I am in the ditch.

I know they don’t talk religion/politics here but for me God is only my last hope and also the thing which makes me keep breathing. that’s the only worthwhile thing. otherwise my life is worthless. of course don’t get an impression that I am suicidal or anything bcoz I don’t believe in suicide. I just want my life to get back on track. I always imagined growing up of having a beautiful wife who will cook good food for me and give me gorgeous kids. but alas…

anyways I still hope that I will get married by God’s grace.
I think my sz is also god given, maybe he wanted to break my ego and tell me who is the boss.
when r ur final exams? looks like u r still a student maybe a college going girl.
good luck with ur exams.

I love chatting and more so with like minded people.

Hi @laetitia no reply from u

Your success in life is not determined by having a good wife and children- you can still live a happy life. However, I’m thinking that might be a traditional, culturally appropriate way of life for your country. Here, most Koreans don’t get married until they are in their late 30s. My mom married when she was 25, but nowdays people don’t get married that early.

I disagree with having sz and its relation to God. Sz has genetic, environmental, and other factors, which just doesn’t make our brain as functional as other folks. I’m also religious and find great comfort in my religion, but I don’t think my sz has anything to do with God.

I’m taking cultural anthropology and aboriginal studies. My final exam is on the 11th.

I enjoy chatting with people, too. It’s nice to meet you!

I agree with whatever u have said. u r right, although I am not married I am living a happy life.

even I agree that sz and God may not have any connection. but how did I contract sz then? looks like it just got me in my teens.

for me God is very important. life has no meaning if God is not real. of course even with God life has no meaning. it gets the meaning whatever u give to it.

ur exam is close. all the best. I don’t wanna bother u now.

nice to meet u too.
but do start chatting when ur exam is done.

I enjoy chatting with u. ur comments r very simple, down to earth and very good.

@laetitia , what degenerative disease do u have and what is cardiomyopathy?

So many people ask about my condition so I may as well write a public post about this.
I have muscular dystrophy and cardiomyopathy is a heart condition.

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so what happens when u have muscular dystrophy? does it shorten ur life?

It can. Hence, that’s why cardiomyopathy plays its role. But I’m not sure.

what has cardiomyopathy to do with muscular dystrophy?

So, muscular dystrophy is genetic. My specific type is caused by a mutation in a gene, which apparently regulates the heart as well. Heart is also a muscle, and if the muscle weakens, you also lose function of the heart gradually.

so u got both the diseases because of one wrong mutation? that’s very very bad luck.
sad to learn about the heart condition too.
I am sure u will ride both these bad conditions and live upto a normal life span.
with God’s grace everything is possible. praying for u.
take care.

I’m not entirely sure about a normal life span. I’m slowly degenerating. But it’s not bad to hope.

Yeah I have a recessive set of mutations, so I have three mutated spots in my gene. It’s a bad luck but what can you do? That’s life.

Thanks for your heartfelt words.

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u r welcome anytime.

God bless.

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