Learning to understand 'that' anger

…So, yesterday I put on my headphones and gave myself a (-similar to Anderson Cooper) treatment with a simulation of schizophrenia found on youtube. And although I realized that this must be a bit of an oversimplification of schizophrenia (not to mention the mania and delusions that some experience) -I found it nasty, de-motivational, depersonalizing and humiliating. There was one particular voice that kept on repeating the B-word and yes it did make me angry! I got angry with this simulation voice, and this I could -thankfully- stop after a few minutes!
I’m not condoning anger when it gets out of control and turns destructive. I don’t necessarily excuse any physical, verbal or emotional abuse as a result of (a partners anger) but I’m learning to understand where it is coming from…

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I tried a similar simulation and while I found some of the content accurate I couldn’t relate to it as being anything too similar to what I experienced. I rarely if ever literally heard the voices, I heard them more as if they were thoughts rather than voices.

But as far as making me angry it was rarely voices or thoughts or whatever they were that would make me angry. What would make me angry was when I could remember something so vividly and yet my family was telling me these things never happened and that they were delusions.

I don’t easily get angry but I’ve had my moments. I can remember one day I was suffering from psychosis and benzo withdrawal at the same time. My neighbor was hammering on what sounded like sheet metal and there was someone out back in the woods behind the house target shooting. I got so mad I threw open my window and screamed at the top of my lungs some pretty nasty things…the hammering as well as the shooting stopped leaving me to suffer a little more peacefully.

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I understand completely, and as I already mentioned : I realized all too well that this must be an oversimplification of schizophrenia…

Oh I just meant in my case. I think some people actually hear it like that as if it’s coming from outside.


@Becca very cool of you to try this… another step in understanding.

Sometimes my voices would make me angry with myself and tear me down. It took a lot of work not to believe them. Plus it’s hard for me to concentrate sometimes with all that chatter. It’s taken a lot of CBT and other coping therapies to not let myself be ruled by them.

My anger was also just a lot of dissatisfaction and the fact that I was/ am an alcoholic. I’ve been sober for a bit over 6 years. A lot of my anger left when I quit drinking. But then I was hit with more depression.

I also loose it when there is just too much stimuli incoming and I can’t take it.

That was the case for me when I was at my worst. There were times what was going on in my brain was so loud, it had to be someone talking to me.

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I don’t have voices, but I give myself some pretty belittling messages - like “you’re sick for doing that” or “you break everything you touch” or “you can’t do anything”. Right now I feel like I have a cassus belli against the world, and I feel like I would have to go a long, long way to be as bad as the people I’m mad at. I guess it’s better not to dwell on it, but it does prey on my mind.

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…I think for most people a mental illness is a concept we can comprehend in the abstract… but actually empathizing with someone who suffers from one on a daily basis is another story…
I want to be as educated as possible can be.

I sort of feel that way when I see those ads for children fighting cancer. I know what cancer is, I know how bad it can get… I couldn’t imagine being 8 years old and trying to fight it.

I’m more patient with people now then I used to be. Everyone has their struggles.

I don’t understand anything about rheumatoid arthritis, but I’ve been told how debilitating and painful it is. But having never had it… I could only guess.

So it only makes sense that a lot of people don’t know the first thing about mental illness… if I don’t at least try to knock down some of the preconceived ideas… they will continue to live on.


…exactly that!

For a completely accurate simulation make sure the voices tell people where to find things, and the outcomes of two major sporting events before they happen, and can crack a corny joke using the time when the person doesn’t know what time it is at all.

It’s obvious my voices have a conscious and seperate cause sometimes. These things actually happened.

This could be a great part of any schizophrenia simulation and it should be at times. The voices in some of these need to know things the person does not and then tell them.

Auditory simulators dont have jack crap on what my voices used to say. Lol. Mine were really messed up and wanted me to kill myself, except for one of them.

But yeah I was constantly irate whilst psychotic. It was not a fun time. I was constantly enraged and did my best to hide it, workout and get drunk to feel normal.

Being like that was dangerous, I have always been very strong (lifting weights since I was 17) and I have a few belts in Krav Maga, I was really good at it. Krav Maga is hand to hand combat, not a sport- they show you how to kill people in those dojos. I know how to take any handheld weapon from someone and kill them with it. That’s not good- it cant be unlearned either. I am symptom free and med compliant, also a psychology student, so its ok today- but for a while it was not ok, the one time I got belligerent and slapped someone, they sent seven cops to surround me. I didnt resist, if I did I may have been shot.

Oh fun times. Usually when someone is pissed off, they dont send seven cops. Lol. I was a bad boy.

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That’s what we around here would have called a “seven copper” back in the day. Heck I got nervous enough when a second showed up.

OMG Learning to ignore all the ‘other peoples problems’ is only way to be okay through this…Let it just bounce off.

I SO wish I could find someone in therapy who gives a crap about the crazy folks at work who will harass the psychotic people worst. I’ve had some threats so bad and such bad sexual harassments a few times, I quit the job but was unable to get unemployment even. I had to get by on my savings…If you have any advice, chime in. Since I quit talking to the people that caused my nervous breakdown, I’ve had terrible social problems & problems with other people this group ruined who vandalize stuff & stalk people in order to deal with their own torment. (Gang stalking/cause stalking/thought broadcasting)

I also got to live in a couple other places after dumping my long-time home I owned…There is so pretty bad places to live when you are dealing with this. I mean, there are nuts coming out of the wood-work and employment ‘drama’ is the norm. Some of the workers younger than 40 were spending more of their time being crazy at work than working & this was just the norm in this city…

I also got bullied out of a school that had been sued for mistreating schizos before & they kept all the nutty instructors & loudly nuts students who cannot work with others constructively. Was told we needed to use disability support services in order to be treated okay in classes (even when sitting quietly, taking notes, regular attendance & doing all the homework)…Then unable to find a psych doctor in city that would cooperate and got called a lot of stuff trying…I got screwed out of this city from multiple directions as even had to deal with coworker making too many threats to deal with it & landlord problem that left me unable to remain due to bad injury from accident on property…I moved hours for this to be able to work in better field and get to pay the loans/bills for years.

I even get stalked by members of a church I tried whose policy it is to mistreat strangers (cause stalk) if the voices demand it. Crap, I had one follow me to a restaurant twice…yell my name and stand up and gripe about an incident 5 years ago. Woman was in company of her coworkers and restaurant was filled with workers at lunch. I only complained about policy to allow bullying of adults. I never said anything nutty even. OMG. Pastor followed me around to and yelled ‘that is her’ and he started to talk about ‘rays from space’ then miscellaneous insults over lunch another time… Tried another couple churches to only have one of the wrong people follow me to 3 churches of the same denomination talking me, which I left quickly. Now I get to listen to the locals bitch about my departing their church & talked about me so badly behind my back that I now get the silent treatment & insults with former neighborhood friends because I tried a neighborhood church.

I get angry about hearing it too but worse part has been being ruined with my abusive family then treated like crap at work which was only place I ever had any respect…