I’m in a super chatty mood today. I’m still half-wondering if Latuda is making me hypomanic somehow.
I feel like the Latuda has started working on some of my symptoms, because some things have cleared up a bit. Certain types of paranoia, intrusive thoughts, my agitation has gone down noticeably.
It actually feels a bit weird to be going through the literal motions of life in an internally quiet way. Sometimes I feel my face make an expression when talking to someone, but I don’t feel an emotion behind it. This might sound bad but for me most of my emotion tends to be bad, so without it, it’s just more so peaceful in its own way.
But I’ve still got things going on. I still have an unstable sense of self and unstable sense of others. Like if my mother doesn’t respond to an email within an hour, I start to think she hates me again. But the anxiety and agitation from it is kept pretty minimal.
It’s like I can actually observe the thoughts as they come in, and analyze them, rather than being sucked in and being the thoughts.
I’m hopeful that this could make therapy more productive for me. I can feel pretty confident at pinning something as a dysfunction or psychological in nature, rather than MI, when the medication is keeping MI things at bay.
Turned out my therapist has been blowing me off for a month because well she wasn’t exactly blowing me off (thought a quick phone call to explain would have been nice), turns out she is having health problems and that’s why she hasn’t scheduled to see me in so long. Not sure how that is going to pan out, I think the staff concluded that I should wait a little more and then ask for a new therapist after… however long I decide a little more time is. I’m content to wait a few more weeks.
But anyway I think Latuda may help me with my interpersonal dysfunctions if things keep going this way. Like when my brother started giving me the silent treatment out of the blue, I felt extremely upset and obsessed over it. This started over a month ago, I think. Now I just feel like it’s not really such a big deal. Why should someone else’s dysfunctions become my dysfunctions? Now that I’m not drowning in anxiety and agitation, it’s easier to be rational about it, too. Maybe I don’t need a relationship with someone who acts super close and then goes super cold, over and over. Maybe that’s not my problem to deal with.
Yeah, when my med started working I felt the same thing about expressions without emotions, but that faded. I think we grow accostumed to a certain type of emotion that it’s not “normal” and then normality feels weird.