Schizophrenia.com

Just when you think things are fine

My husband and I went grocery shopping this morning. At one point he’s saying something to me but staring at this woman’s butt as she walks past. He had already looked at her as we walked past her a minute earlier. Really? So I said something about it, and he denied. We finished our shopping and as we walked to the car I said something about it again. I said that I know it’s difficult because he’s a guy and he can’t help noticing an attractive woman, but that it hurts my feelings. He denied even noticing her and made some joke. I told him that he wasn’t being cute or funny and that I need to be able to have actual conversations with him. I my mind I’m thinking about how I’ve gained weight but that I shouldn’t have to apologize forever; that he’s gained weight too…I’m getting so revved-up in my head that I want to throw something at him and I’m fighting back tears. I couldn’t talk the whole way home. I kept thinking about how I don’t even want to have a body, that I hate my body and how hard it is to take care of…I thought about how I’ve let myself and my husband down by gaining weight but that I’m just so sick of dragging this body around everywhere and how pointless it all is… I’m in the bathroom right now crying and I need to pull myself together and get on with the day.

First off, as a guy myself?

IT IS NEVER OKAY TO OGGLE ANOTHER WOMAN WHEN IN A COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP!!!

Second! People make mistakes and have a hard time admitting to them. Your husband, besides being insensitive, was probably denying it to make himself feel better about it.

So please stop crying, and keep in mind that your husband is only human, and as such he will make mistakes and do stupid things, because that is quite simply human nature.

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Thank you. I’ve stopped crying and things are numb again. :blush: I get mad at myself for even caring, and for making it partly my fault for gaining weight (Even I get sick of self-depricating constantly), but mostly I get angry at his inability to admit what he did. It’s not the end of the world; just admit it! I admit everything…I’m honest about everything because I believe facing things is the way to deal with them. In his mind, something so small shouldn’t get blown out of proportion, and in my mind it wouldn’t have if he could have just said something like, “I didn’t even know I was doing that. I’m sorry.” Or, “It’s totally involuntary, and I’m sorry I didn’t stop myself” I don’t know. For me, it’s thrown on the pile of things he won’t admit/talk about and I wonder what he does when I’m not standing right next to him. Thanks, @Dremulf.

Let me tell you this, I have girlfriends who ‘looked’ but only one who ‘touched’.

Admittedly it hurt when they would stare at guys who were, (i’m being honest I am NOT very good looking) much more handsome than I. But I also know that human instinct drives us to look for the ‘ideal mate’

Your husband likely loves you very much, but if he is like so many others, he doesn’t actually consider it a problem to ‘look’ but will feel guilty about if asked. Thus the denial…

Don’t take it to heart, it will only make things seem worse than they are

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Such honesty! I thought all men thought of themselves as good looking :wink: Well, my husband and I have been together for nine years and it’s shocking to me when I look at pictures and see how much I’ve aged in those nine years. I know he loves me, or I try really hard to believe he does. I have this “thing” since childhood that I don’t believe anyone loves me or cares. It’s odd because I keep trying and hoping but that core belief never goes away. Anyway, my husband is a good man. You’ve helped me to see his motive for denial. Maybe I should be glad that he wants so much to be good that to admit he’s been “bad”, even in the smallest way, is too hard for him. Thank you, again, @Dremulf for helping me understand.

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glad to be able to help, and keep in mind that no matter how alone we feel, there is always someone who loves us!