"Just snap out of it"

this morning the therapist says I am manic from not sleeping. I have developed some unusual beliefs. The SSI hearing shocked and scared me also. They had a stack of like one hundred manila folders that I had not read but the attorney had. I don’t want to tell anyone what I am having as “unusual” beliefs. I’m wishing for a miracle…if I can transform a negative into a positive, can I make the polarities balance…

Perception. Not everyone can see what I see. But I “feel” like I am projecting myself everywhere and its difficult to process and I dont want to tell people who may use it to say I can’t work. I want this to stop being bothersome to others and me, it is frightening. I can control mania, but not completely. What they call synchronicity happens, but could also be noticing common coincidences.

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One such coincidence: I noticed in my group zoom chat that lots of people took vitamins last night and got insomnia. The weather was very messed up yesterday I felt like the world was venting, or clearing out stress, and releasing toxins. So I am hopeful that I can stop predicting my own words, and know my will and know you also have a will and mind. I am not alone on planet earth.

But I feel as if I am the only one in existence that has a conscience, that is aware. I was relaxing in the sunshine, and resting my head on the grass–and the thoughts that inserted were–you have changed reality somehow, you have this that this that, no one else can see like you…or I have this awareness that has been lost to others.

Then I thought how if my awareness is some lost awareness, ancient, mysticism, whatever it may be that is my awareness–what is my awareness? How do you locate perception…where do you find the source of time…second revelation is…

Is time a contingent continuum line, or on a narrow line, like forward pressed–or do we spin dance and spiral out, like infinite spirals, or a spiral dance or something…or are we a layered reality, some—thing—a layered layer of layers on layers…how would you discern one layer if you believed that the layer you are in, is “the norm” or the right way to do things. Is behavioral medicine just mind-screwing people because I feel mind-screwed sometimes… anyways, no one will understand and people will just remark:

“have you slept, you sound nuts, get away from me, crazy, make no sense, freak, take your pills, just snap out of it, its just a coincidence”

No it’s not its my freaking life.

I fully understand paranoia like that. And you can’t just snap out of it. That’s just plain ignorant of people who think like that

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I notice a serious uptick in my symptoms when I am under a lot of stress too! Your SSI hearing seems like my divorce proceedings. I went nuts. Snap out of it is easier said than done! I wish I could just snap out of it!

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That’s like telling some one with depression “don’t be so sad”

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You sound like a creative person, and one of the hazards of being creative is that occasionally your imagination can lead you astray. Try to keep your thoughts from racing. You will have to take less medication if you can slow down your thinking yourself.

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Yes that’s what I am working on right now, slowing down…rest and recovery…but I have to remind myself I can be a friend, but i am not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. I have never understood why people get jealous of me. Jealous of my strength, being strong is overcoming the most impossible obstacles. Strength is life or death.

We have to respect each other.

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