Schizophrenia.com

Just Not Now (poem)

Let the clouds pass over the northeastern hills of this Calgarian neighbourhood,
Spanning centuries and centuries of anguish and hatred.
And let the clouds pass over the schools, the classrooms,
Beside the souls who cluelessly sit on the same chairs every day.

Filled with tears- hospitalizations- I, restrained, screaming in the hospital:
Trying to make sense of what is happening around me,
With thousands of voices screaming to dissect my skin.
With blood flowing from my skin, and the nurses rushing to take care of me,
And I, confused, worn out, lay myself in the bed, screaming.
Bottles are open; the pills now digested; I find myself in the same bed over and over again,
In agony. Trying to be free from the voices. Trying to not be seen.

And so the rain will fall over the hospital, and snow will fall;
Then the voices will quiet down, with the physical agony in me, now awakening:
You overestimated the value of life. Did you not? You thought life was to be eliminated.
But now, here you are, fighting for your life. Fighting to stay awake in your seizures.
Fighting to save your health, your weight, your friends- everything. And now you say your life is foul?
The muscles in me shrinking, life disappearing. Life, now so precious, lessening.

And I told myself: this is just the beginning. Hold on.
Yes, you may not live long, but hold on. You may live long, but hold on.
When you will go, you will go. Just not now.
Think of the children. Think of their poor souls. Think of the adults without a cure.
Not long, but still here, aren’t you?
Just not now.

8 Likes

This poem is very moving. It reminds me of my cousin, who has cancer. I guess it’s something most of us will have to go through.

This is so beautiful, and hits close to home. As a kid I was briefly suicidal, but once I was told I was dying I suddenly wanted very much to live. You and @zwolfgang should turn this into another song.

1 Like

Thank you.
I did struggle a lot. I continue to struggle.
I am sorry to hear about your cousin. I’ll be keeping her in my prayers.

@ninjastar
I am so sorry! I had similar experiences. I tried to die three times.
Also I nearly lost my consciousness due to seizures. I thought I was going to die. For the next few months I was extremely weak and every day I would have seizures.

When I got the titinopathy dx, my life was sort of masked by relief of finding what I had but I crashed knowing the dangers that come with it. I didn’t want to surrender my life to a degenerative illness. I cried. But no matter when I go I’ll be here until then. Just not now, I suppose…

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Hey, you never know what will happen. I was told I had five years to live. That was 15 years ago.

You are going so strong!! So proud of you.

I mean, my doctor was like “you are on your own”, meaning, he has no idea what titinopathy exactly is. No cure, no treatment, nothing. Absolutely nothing. So the unknown is scary.

But we never know! The future is wide and distant. We never know what will come next. :slight_smile: