A small thing in the grand scheme of the world, but a pretty huge thing for me. Normally I wear a hat even if it’s 90 degrees F outside because I get severe anxiety about people seeing me / looking at me. I don’t want to be seen at all. But yesterday it was hotter out and I needed to go to the pharmacy, and instead of having the automatic thoughts of, “I need my hat,” my thoughts were, “It’s too hot for a hat,” and I actually left the house without it. It occurred to me halfway to the pharmacy how long it has been (over a year actually) since I left the house without my hat. The wind and sun felt REALLY good on my head, which caused me to notice it. I don’t feel like I need a hat today, either, have to go get blood work done and have a therapy appointment. I can’t believe how much my anxiety is down on this med.
My mother also returned from Italy last night and I do still feel a little anxiety interacting with her, but it’s not as bad, it’s like it’s muffled and fades quickly. No obsessive or paranoid thoughts. I must just be very sensitive to Risperdal for whatever reason. Still on just 2mg.
Yeah my pdoc ordered it. Said she wants to know what my starting stats look like so she can tell if a Risperidone is affecting anything. I think she is also having me drug tested lol. She asked me last session with an arced eyebrow, “Are you still smoking weed?” Then it was, “Let’s get some blood work done.” Lol. Anyway I have to find out if my emergency state insurance will cover it or not, but I think it will.
A good hat expresses genuine aspects of who we are. I like the personality of well chosen hats. On the other hand, hats that constrict honest expression make it obvious that something isn’t right.
Ditching the constant wearing of a hat definitely sounds like great progress, excellent. Although, you probably look great in a hat. Unless it’s going to rekindle the problem, maybe you could wear great hats sometimes.
I am working on a similar thing but with my jackets. I wear pea coats in Ca’s hottest weather. I often get dehydrated but still wear it out of this one very irrational and complicated fear. I know it is stupid but I still wear the damn things for protection. I am getting close though. I don’t wear my coat when I’m alone anymore.
Stepping it up even more soon. My mother was in a really nice mood yesterday and let me pick out some appropriate Summer clothing from a department store. I got some big t-shirts and some comfy shorts. So when it gets warm I will need to be ditching my sweatpants and large hoodie. She also let me get some new bras and underwear which I needed because I gained weight from the Zyprexa. I’ve been going without bras and underwear for like months now because my old ones are too tight. I bought drawstring shorts so as I lose weight this Spring/Summer I won’t need new ones.