You did the best you could for your child. Raising children is a gargantuan commitment, and if you’re not sure you can give a child what the child needs to be happy and healthy adoption makes the best sense.
I do hope you get the support you need…I’m glad you disregarded what people think on that forum you went to…you are a great person as far as I’ve ever seen on here…good luck.
You didn’t take the easy route. You carried your child, gave birth to it, but decided it had a better life with other parents. That’s courageous. You did what you felt was best. Nobody should judge you and people who do not know you, nor the situation, and think they know better…are dumb.
I can’t imagine what a trauma it must be. Not being able to care for my own kid because I developped MH problems, has been one of the most traumatizing things of my life. And then I still see my kid, though he doesnt live with me. I too didn’t get any kind of help. I do not know how giving your child away for adoption feels, but it must be deeply traumatizing.
I did the same as @Headspark. Because nobody was willing to give me therapy, and the tiny attempts they did make, were so misguided that I left again… I read a lot. I learned a lot from books and internet. At this moment I’m reading “the body keeps the score”, which is a famous trauma-book. I’ve also talked to friends, who were supportive, and now my new social worker. Having someone to listen to you, someone real, who hears you, feels differently than a book.
I so hope you find that too, whomever this person genuinely listening is. Don’t give up, keep searching… If people act like idiots…good that you left that place. They have no clue what they are talking about.
You get unlimited hugs from me. My life would have been a lot better if my own mom had realized her limitations and gave me up for adoption. I would not be so damaged now. I deal with it well enough, but the scar tissue is there, y’know?
I’ve put them away in some box now, so it would need a bit of time to sort out, but I’ve read general books on trauma that helped me a lot. If you are interested, let me know and I will look up the titles to recommend some. It’s something I wanted to make a list of anyway, so it’s not a hassle. Let me know.
I won’t be fast, because my home is terrible at the moment, and I don’t know exactly which box it is. It’s in my storage room. But it’s something I wanted to do for ages, make a list of the books and what I took out of it. For someone else too. So it’s a good thing to put on my to-do-list.
I have a book for birth mothers. I can go find the title also.
The world is getting so screwy over adoption lately. So many people with no clue but strong opinions. Adopted children tend to do best when they can keep appropriate connections to their birth family. Your kid was raised in an environment where he knows who you are, knows you enjoy interacting with him, and knows he is in a safe, loving home. That is a thousand times better than burning your life to the ground to give him a fraction of that. Starlet is doing so well in life, in part because he knows his mom loves and supports him while still looking out for her own well-being.
I know i am on the opposite end of the adoption experience. But i also know adoptions like mine and yours are rare, and the kids are better off when they can have them. People with kneejerk responses to adoption topics tend to be working through their own traumas, and projecting their experiences onto yours.
You are no less of a mother. You are doing what mothers do. You provided a good life for your kid with good opportunities. You have what a lot of mothers lack: the self-awareness and foresight to know what the actual best option is in spite of community pressure. I have no idea what it is like to have those phone calls and video chats and too rare visits, how much emotion that stirs up. But i know it can’t be easy. And i know that when he is an adult he will have a lot less pain in his heart because the questions so many adoptees have will never have been questions for him.
I’m so sorry. That’s not right. If you start your own support group online make sure everyone knows non supportive posts will be deleted. Require that all new members be unable to automatically post - those posts can be deleted if necessary before ever being seen by others. Once it gets going and you can trust certain users they can help you moderate the forum just like this forum does