It's very difficult to get support as a birthmother

I’ve tried several forums and the “support” is insane.

People treat you like a demon for giving away your child or are completely misunderstanding what adoption is.

I expressed some concern on a forum for adoption/birthmothers and someone suggested I go take my child back.


You can’t just snag an adopted child.

He has parents!

I gave him to his parents because I didn’t want to be a parent.

Doesn’t mean I don’t still have trauma and issues because of the adoption.

If I started my own forum, it’d still just be this same group of crazies.

With some political changes here in the states people have even further lost their minds about adoption.

I don’t know what to do, where on the internet to go, or if I’ll ever find the support I need.

Sucks that there is basically no support for people that have been through such a trauma.

The lawyer at our adoption assured me to no end that I’d have support and mental health services regarding the adoption my whole life.

Then the ■■■■■ dropped me like I was hot soon as the baby was born.

It’s a messed up business.

I wish I could find some help.


I hope you’re able to find support. I think it’s wonderful that you gave someone a chance to be a parent. No one should be hard on you or judging you.


You did the best you could for your child. Raising children is a gargantuan commitment, and if you’re not sure you can give a child what the child needs to be happy and healthy adoption makes the best sense.


I took a different approach. Instead of trying to find a therapist I took courses in CBT to become a practitioner, then I used it on myself.

The few therapists I spoke to I never found helpful, I disagreed with one and he liked my idea better.

I’m good at thinking and analyzing so learning a little psychology and applying it to myself was best for me.

Self help. That could be another way for you to tackle your problems. But it’s more work than simply talking to someone.

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I do hope you get the support you need…I’m glad you disregarded what people think on that forum you went to…you are a great person as far as I’ve ever seen on here…good luck.

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Sorry you are struggling to get good help.

You didn’t take the easy route. You carried your child, gave birth to it, but decided it had a better life with other parents. That’s courageous. You did what you felt was best. Nobody should judge you and people who do not know you, nor the situation, and think they know better…are dumb.

I can’t imagine what a trauma it must be. Not being able to care for my own kid because I developped MH problems, has been one of the most traumatizing things of my life. And then I still see my kid, though he doesnt live with me. I too didn’t get any kind of help. I do not know how giving your child away for adoption feels, but it must be deeply traumatizing.

I did the same as @Headspark. Because nobody was willing to give me therapy, and the tiny attempts they did make, were so misguided that I left again… I read a lot. I learned a lot from books and internet. At this moment I’m reading “the body keeps the score”, which is a famous trauma-book. I’ve also talked to friends, who were supportive, and now my new social worker. Having someone to listen to you, someone real, who hears you, feels differently than a book.

I so hope you find that too, whomever this person genuinely listening is. Don’t give up, keep searching… If people act like idiots…good that you left that place. They have no clue what they are talking about.

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Using a self help book for trauma is not something I’ve thought of.


Because that’s exactly how I got my OCD under control.

I may look into it.

What I really want though is some comradery.

I’d like to talk to other birthmothers and get some real world advice.

Just don’t know how to do that and avoid these people with such extreme beliefs.

Maybe I should google that lawyer and call her office.

I’m sure she enjoy that.


You get unlimited hugs from me. My life would have been a lot better if my own mom had realized her limitations and gave me up for adoption. I would not be so damaged now. I deal with it well enough, but the scar tissue is there, y’know?



I do know.

It’s difficult to overcome.

Not all women with the parts should be having children.

There’s just a lot of pressure to be a family and do the normal thing.

Thanks for the hugs!


I’ve put them away in some box now, so it would need a bit of time to sort out, but I’ve read general books on trauma that helped me a lot. If you are interested, let me know and I will look up the titles to recommend some. It’s something I wanted to make a list of anyway, so it’s not a hassle. Let me know.


I think you’d make a good mom, but it’s also okay to not want to be a mom.



Don’t go through the trouble for me,

But if you come across that box, let me know,

I’ll gladly take those titles.

I won’t be fast, because my home is terrible at the moment, and I don’t know exactly which box it is. It’s in my storage room. But it’s something I wanted to do for ages, make a list of the books and what I took out of it. For someone else too. So it’s a good thing to put on my to-do-list. :slight_smile:


I think I’d make a good mom too.

And thanks to his daddies, I get to flex that muscle every once in a while.

It’s fun to have alone time with him and be a mommy for a bit.


I have a book for birth mothers. I can go find the title also.

The world is getting so screwy over adoption lately. So many people with no clue but strong opinions. Adopted children tend to do best when they can keep appropriate connections to their birth family. Your kid was raised in an environment where he knows who you are, knows you enjoy interacting with him, and knows he is in a safe, loving home. That is a thousand times better than burning your life to the ground to give him a fraction of that. Starlet is doing so well in life, in part because he knows his mom loves and supports him while still looking out for her own well-being.

I know i am on the opposite end of the adoption experience. But i also know adoptions like mine and yours are rare, and the kids are better off when they can have them. People with kneejerk responses to adoption topics tend to be working through their own traumas, and projecting their experiences onto yours.

You are no less of a mother. You are doing what mothers do. You provided a good life for your kid with good opportunities. You have what a lot of mothers lack: the self-awareness and foresight to know what the actual best option is in spite of community pressure. I have no idea what it is like to have those phone calls and video chats and too rare visits, how much emotion that stirs up. But i know it can’t be easy. And i know that when he is an adult he will have a lot less pain in his heart because the questions so many adoptees have will never have been questions for him.

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I’m so sorry. That’s not right. If you start your own support group online make sure everyone knows non supportive posts will be deleted. Require that all new members be unable to automatically post - those posts can be deleted if necessary before ever being seen by others. Once it gets going and you can trust certain users they can help you moderate the forum just like this forum does

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I found the book. As a heads up, i have not read it yet. It was in a box of stuff someone gave me and i only recently found it.

Saying Goodbye to a Baby by Patricia Roles

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