It's the randomness that gets me

So, I’m doing good. My Mom is visiting my Aunt tonight and the creepy part of Twin Peaks comes on. I can’t handle that alone on so I turn it off real fast. I turn it to IT Crowd even though I just finished it and would rather watch Twin Peaks. I’ve got this I say to myself. I can manage. And the rest of the day goes okay.

The power goes out in the shower and it freaks me out but I, again, manage it. I almost screamed like an eight year old girl and I almost slip and kill myself running for the door but I still consider it a victory.

I remember that I have to take out the trash at 2 in the morning. I don’t let myself get upset even though I have to do it at night, I’m alone and it looks kind of creepy outside.

Then while returning, I remember the mail. So I open the mailbox like it is nothing. It should be nothing and I barely even think about it.

Yet I can’t reach my hand in. And why? Because for some blasted reason I’m worried someone cut the tail off a rattlesnake and put it in my mailbox and I can’t see it or hear it because it is night. I don’t spend that much time looking inside the mailbox but the real reason I eventually manage to put my hand in there at all is because I’m worried the neighbors might see me staring at the inside of my mailbox like it is a bear trap about to spring on my foot. That realization also bothers me. I’d rather be bitten by a potential rattlesnake than be scrutinized for a second by the neighbors.

And that is what annoys me. The randomness. When I leave the house for the doctors I expect the thought leaking. I am prepared for the horribleness. But that crap that just happens out of nowhere when I’m feeling okay is what really brings me down and rips me apart.

I sometimes don’t know if I should laugh or cry.

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It certainly pays to laugh rather than cry! Wtf are you doing putting your rubbish out that late? Most garbo’s aren’t that early so you have some leeway. Your right though about that randomness…it can do your head in!

Loved the old Twin Peaks…haven’t seen the new edition but I think I’d like it! All’s I know though is that perspective is good for the schizophrenic! Routine is great too!

The worst thing about schizophrenia is that you lose rationality! That is our greatest burden! I see your posts and love your work and know your strong! Have some trust in the process and keep that rationality! You really are a good egg around here and Love your responses to people…keep that rationality!


I have to do it that early because that is when there are no people outside. You have no idea the lengths I will go to to make sure I don’t run into people lol :sunny:


Yeah I can feel that, avoiding other people. I’ve gotten better lately especially since I have been showering and taking care of myself more lately. But I still will prefer either late at night or early in the morning to avoid people walking by and kids just getting out of school. Kids can be annoying.


@Coldcomfort Kids are awful lol. Frankly I don’t see their purpose. Except I admit it would be hard for mothers if their offspring came out as fully grown adults. (Maybe wearing a suit and drinking coffee while they came out)


Yes I see, it’s the randomness. That’s so true. One minute I’m just going along fine and then some stupid thing pops into my head and I don’t feel so fine anymore. Then I’m left asking the question why?

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