It's my fault

Today I had a date. I did my best but it wasn’t enough.
Reasons why I might failed:

  1. No job.
  2. Live with my dad

Today made me think the failure that I am for society. I have zero value for overcoming a disease while studying. I can’t tell a girl that I have sza and whenever I start studying all my inner demons show up to block my focus.

Yes it’s true that I did some mistakes, I shouldn’t had so much weed. Although I used to smoke more when my studying demons appeared. I was learning to cope with them and none of the meds helped when I start studying something new. It still doesn’t help at the beginning.
I usually need a ton of hours to grasp something because I can spend one month fighting my insecurities that voices like so much to remember me.

Does society give any value to this? My doc surely does and I know it because it hasn’t been easy. Trough my college years I had a ton of med adjustments and changed my meds like 4 times which isn’t easy. The society? Not so much.

I hate having sza so bad(as most of us I know). It’s like the tik tok videos say and I’ll adapt to what I need “Show me you’re a fighter without telling me you’re a fighter”.
I really don’t know how.

I am these too. I would never make the same mistake of dating again unless I can work. My gf left me after 5yrs bcz I couldn’t hold jobs. She called me a big baby bcz I can’t work.

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I guess she stayed with me 5yrs bcz I was studying in university.

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Besides I tried online dating 2yrs ago, I talked to a few girls who asked me tons of questions about my life including what is my job. I stopped replying then they deleted me. I guess I could have lied and said I work for my friend :stuck_out_tongue:

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Never had a relationship that lasted so long, congrats.
I will start working this year, I hope I could manage it.

I’m so sad right now. At 1st I thought my issue like it was joke. Now I’m almost crying. I haven’t cried yet because sza stops me from doing so.

I don’t blame her, if I was on her shoes I would do the same. I need to help myself 1st I guess.

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I met her before I got sz, I developped sz after a year or two. Good luck with dating, working surely helps.

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