It's hopeless

yeah. it’s typical, at least for me, you miss an appointment for any reason,
No can come back.
it’s a racket.
it’ll be hell getting used to the meds.
I think you should though.

I hung out with some of my oldest friends last night and told them about my mental health concerns, and they expressed how much they care about me and think that im not a crazy person, then we partied into the late night/early morning. I feel like the demon isnt real again and that i was wrapped up in thought too much. Most likely the demon is just hiding again and will come back out when im in a more vulnerable state, but i decided i just have to live in a less stable way. I feel at my peak mental health when im staying physically uncomfortable in some way.

One of my friends was telling me how we (our high school friend circle) all grew up in a way that prevents us from ever fitting into normal society and told me about travelling around the country doing seasonal work all over the place. It sounds like a really exciting way to live. Ive been living for other people as long as i can remember, for my friends and employers and landlords, etc. I need to start living for myself for a change.

I tried to socialize today but it was very difficult, I couldn’t pay attention to anything that my friends were talking about. Hearing the voices today was a terrifying experience. There were hundreds of them muttering things that i couldnt understand, but they wanted me to listen to them. Some of them were singing and some were making strange mocking noises. I didn’t know that was happening in my head, I just heard them underneath the music. I don’t want that to come back. I feel like my personality is being broken apart and scattered. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s a delusion.

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