Schizophrenia.com

It's hopeless

Reading the posts on here is really disheartening. Everyone here says the same thing, they have no friends in real life, have constant anhedionia, never fully escape the demons, etc. It seems the best possible outcome is depression, loneliness, and paranoia. I just want to have a life where i can feel like i relate to other people, where im not constantly questioning the people who i think are my friends, and i can do things freely without being watched and hated by people. Lately ive been afraid of being around others, i try my best to make sure nobody can see me but there are always people around every corner. Why is it always like this? I thought eventually there would be a point where i could just be a normal person and become fully accepted like other normal people are but it never happens, when i come close to that it’s just an illusion and everything becomes evil again. I dont want to live without any friends or loved ones, i dont want to be crippled with doubts about everything i experience. Theres nothing i can do to get away from the demons, theyre everywhere and the institutions are just going to trap me with them or give me drugs that will ruin my life and turn me into a zombie with no hope of freedom.

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I will agree that many of the posts are like this. But there are also some inspiring people who carry on despite their illness as well. If you spend enough time on the forum you will find that those people exist as well. Don’t give up hope.

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Im even scared of my roommate sometimes, which is weird because he’s very cool and friendly but he still shows up while the demon is around and then i have to pretend im normal and there is no demon talking to me. I hate hearing him in the kitchen, i feel like he’s going to come into my room and catch me thinking demonic thoughts or writing about them on here.

Hi. I don’t have demon’s. I have friends and family that I’m bonded to. I enjoy time with my grandchildren. I also enjoy spending time on this site helping other people and receiving help when I’m up against a challenge or just having a rotten mood.

I remember a time I had no hope. It was very dark indeed. Everything was stained by that negativity. But I kept trying different meds until I found a combo that got me feeling better. I know how hard it is to want to try when you have no hope but it’s worth it I promise. Finding the right med combo takes time but can eventually get you felling close to normal.

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I struggle hardcore but I am fighting despite it. Going to school, getting straight As, and working part time. Living on my own and caring for a bunch of animals. It’s not hopeless <3

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It’s hard to have a good life, but you can still have a good life.

what do you mean by ‘demons’

isn’t that kind of a myth about schizophrenia?

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Like i said earlier, it’s very possible that this isnt anything to do with schizophrenia, i just feel like it might be. Idk, i just feel like ive been cursed somehow, i’m in hell and a demon is attached to my soul and it controls my mind. It takes thoughts away from me and puts in its own rthoughts, then it tells me that im getting punished for it. But maybe it isnt even real and this is just an illusion. I really have no idea. I want someone to tell me what the truth is, if there is a truth.

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yeah, I have those thoughts at times,

get lots of head pain, and feel like I’m being punished.

don’t consider yourself an evil person though.
Write down all the good things about you.

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I’m not alone. I’m one of several here that’s happily married, has a part time job, has kids, and am only on an antidepressant after years of antipsychotics.

It is possible to go into remission or have mild symptoms after years of bad times.

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I recovered and finished a 6-year degree, have a partner and will apply for full-time jobs soon. I’m happy. No anhedonia or depression or loneliness or paranoia.

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I got schizophrenia in 1980 at age 19. The initial two years were horrible but after I got out of the hospital in 1981 I got a job. Eventually, I moved into semi-independent living which was sharing a house with a couple other mentally ill people and we were on our own except for a counselor we could call if we ran into any problems.

Anyways, in 1983 I enrolled myself in college. I got a car and was still working. I was friends with a couple of guys in the house and made another friend through one of them. We used to do various things, we used to go play baseball at the park or basketball. We used to drive up and watch the San Francisco Giants baseball games. Or ride our bikes. With one friend, he was really into record collecting so we used to drive up to Berkeley and go to all the little hole-in-the-wall record shops and buy rare records and bootlegs.

Anyways, I’m 60 years old now and looking back on being employed almost steadily for the past 40 years. My jobs aren’t high status, professional jobs. I’ve unloaded trucks or stocked shelves or worked in restaurants but they kept gas in the car and bought me CD’s and nice clothes and other luxuries.

I just need three more classes for my AA degree. I’ve had friends and done stuff like go to concerts and flown back to the east coast for vacations. I’ve been to too many movies and restaurants to count. I used to go to church with my sister and her husband or camping or to a bar to play volleyball out back. I’ve just done a ton of fun stuff. Gone to comedy clubs and picnics and to the beach.

Unfortunately in 1986 I got addicted to crack and smoked it for four years. I got clean in 1990. So I would advise you to be careful with your marijuana use. It can lead to other stuff you don’t want to get into. Just some friendly advice.

But yeah, I’ve had friends and my family included me in all kinds of stuff ever since I got ill. I’m not saying my life is easy or that all this stuff came easy. It’s been a struggle for sure. I just wanted to show you what is possible despite having schizophrenia. I had some good years.

I mentioned my drug use. Well, when I got clean in 1990 I started going to AA, CA and NA meetings. I’ve been to over 1000 12-step meetings and sat in crowds of anywhere from 10 people to a 100 people.

I’m not unique, there are plenty of other schizophrenics who have done fun things and had friends. If you stick around here long enough you’ll see we have a number of people who are married or have jobs or go to school. There is a lot of negativity for sure but there are many success stories. And more often than not, even the people who complain are doing at least a little something, like going places or talking to people. A lot is possible despite having schizophrenia.

The beginning of the disease is usually the worst but once you get through that phase then you can decide what you want to do in life. I wish you good luck and don’t give up hope. There’s always hope.

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Is it possible to get through the residual stage of schizophrenia and become completely healthy then? I thought that after i got rid of my guns, got over my drinking problem, and moved to a new city where my friends lived that i was completely safe from the demon and he couldnt get me anymore, but he came back and has been telling me that ill never be free, that im already condemned forever and nobody can help me, the best thing i can do is run away from everyone and suffer by myself so i dont get caught by anyone and get punished or spread my curse. My head hurts more when i think about this so ill stop writing about it for now.

Dont worry about my drug use, my closest friend has had a bad crack and heroin problem that’s been coming and going for many years now and after hearing everything it’s done to her i have no urge to get into any of that. I unfortunately live in the drug capital of the east coast (baltimore) so everyone around me does coke and people try to sell to me on the street but it’s easy to avoid if you really dont want it. I did have a bad drinking problem that made me suicidal earlier this year because i was in a really oppressive living situation where i was essentially a prisoner, and also one of my old friends killed himself last year which also hurt a lot, but i found that marijuana keeps me from drinking heavily these days. It also helps me to feel more free and less bothered by evil thoughts.

I did do one really big dose of mushrooms when i was 19 and it had a strong lasting effect on me. For a few years after i thought i was having flashbacks but now i think that those may have been caused by something else. Im 24 now and was planning to do mushrooms again but after my recent experiences i changed my mind. I dont think i should ever do psychedelics again.

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Well, there’s no cure and once you have schizophrenia you will probably never go back to the normalcy you had before you got it. I’m saying that it gets better and you can recover to a point where the symptoms are not that bad. And in-between, you can do normal stuff like go to school and if you’re lucky you can work. There’s a lot that’s possible.

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Well i have to work. I dont have any other option, i have an apartment for the next year that needs to be paid for. Im having a very hard time with my job, i think my coworkers hate me and want me to get fired and it’s hard to pay attention to anything work related and im failing a lot because of it but i have no alternative.

Im really scared, i think im going to lose my job. I keep failing over and over, i cant tell whats real and it’s making me unable to focus on any part of my work. I cant live life for some reason. The only way ill ever be able to fit into any system is if people take extra time and effort to make sure that im not completely detached from reality, but i dont think anyone is going to do that for me. Im going to lose my apartment and drop out of everything. I just cant do anything that normal adults do.

you’re not on meds, are ya?

No, i havent seen anyone who can prescribe me anything

sucks. you got to. you gotta keep your job.

Im working on it. Im about to see a social worker who can refer me to a shrink if i need it. I just hope it doesnt take long because i cant deal with the anxiety of waiting anymore.