I will try very hard to make this brief. But I’m feeling better and in a chatty mood. The kid sis, with all good intention will sometimes forget herself and paly matchmaker. It’s hard to avoid the good intentions of others, but we all know what the road to hell is paved with……
The girl this time was nice enough, but after the week I’ve just had, I just wasn’t in the mood. I figured I could scare this one off fast, come home sit in the bath and just read my book.
I tell the girl straight up, “Hi, I’ve been told I don’t look it, but I’m schizophrenic……” She stopped me and said, “Yes I know. A little bit paranoid, a little bit disorganized right?” OK now I’m getting nervous. She is the younger sister of a guy who used to be my friend way back when. She texted her brother to meet her; and this guy I haven’t seen in nearly 11 years walks in 30 minutes later. Awkward doesn’t even begin to cover it. But we try to be civil.
We were once pretty close friends, met way back in day. He was pretty much one of my very few friends, until I got out of hospital after my final big episode that broke me. Age 17 to 18. He was gone very soon after I got out. I was always a bit hurt by that. It turns out, while my life was drastically changing, so was his. He was hurt by the fact that I seemed cold and distant and emotionless during the time he was coming out of the closet. Age 17 to 18. I was finally able to tell him last night that… “No, that’s part of the SZ.” He thought I was cutting all ties due to him coming out. I thought he was cutting all ties due to me mentally shattering.
We were both wrong. We both could have used each-others friendship many times during this life. But we both had our nose too out of joint to make the first budge. We’ve both been clean and sober for about the same amount of time. We both still swim. So, we’re meeting up to see who can still swim a 500. (most likely neither of us)
I’ve been learning this lesson over and over these past few months…. It’s not about the SZ. Don’t always assume it’s was all about the SZ. Some people said they ran because of the heavy drinking, or (imagine this) problems or life changes of their own… , it had nothing to do with SZ. Now, in the past four years of sober, people have been coming back. It’s amazing who I have room for in life when I kick the alcohol out of it. I’m pretty happy about clearing up all those past years of hurt feelings and sad pondering.