It still bothers me even though I know it’s their issue not mine

Btw I think by saying she was wrong it made me feel better about myself soooo ;). Was little cranky this morning. But an extra chugged cup of coffee did me good. Thank you :pray: for helping me find my true beliefs. Sometimes I believe things but think about them in wrong contexts. You’ve helped conceptualize this belief. Some of these people really need to work on their willingness to be open minded. But hey it’s their journey not mine ;). Thanks.

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You’re welcome.

Gonna be a sunny day here. Blue sky.

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Some people are overly sensitive. As someone who used to be overly sensitive i should empathize with them a bit more. I turned my sensitivity inward so may have been different but just because some people turn it outwards and express it differently doesn’t mean they’re bad people.

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Forgiveness of others takes time, too. You may be working on this for a while yet.

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We are moral philosophers!!! Haha. We will find Enlightenment one day. Maybe many lifetimes. Maybe in ten years. But me and you are definitely “moral philosophers” ;). And Inclined to that type of thinking. Did I ever tell you my story about my obsession with the word “ego” since I was 19 years old?

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No. Let’s hear it.

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Ok.

This is from my other book. It’s unedited but since been professionally edited I just only have the unedited version on my phone.

Another week went by and finally the trip was there. I was actually thinking about this trip since ever since I went to Florida. I planned it for this exact day. Taking one tab last week was unplanned, I was drunk and just decided to take it when Kevin urged me on. But this trip was definitely a planned one. It was supposed to snow which I thought would make it pretty gnarly, but it never did. I had actually cut down on my drinking somewhat, although I was still drinking. But not nearly as much as before I started doing acid. But it was time. Time for the trip of a lifetime. As Kevin was waiting to get off school, I was at my house alternating between a bowl of weed and a shot of vodka. I was already pretty obliterated when Kevin came over.
When Kevin got there I took a deep breath. Then I showed him the acid and asked how much I should take. He said for me to save a little bit and I agreed that I should save one small tab, for class of course. But that tab would never happen. I took the other four fairly decent sized tabs, some bigger than others as I had cut the 10 or 11 strip down with some scissors. It was some very potent LSD and four tabs was going to send me to another dimension, especially with all the weed, and alcohol I had drank. The alcohol would ease my anxiety for the trip, while the weed would intensify the trippiness of the adventure. So I put it under my tongue, and after about ten minutes I swallowed it.
“So by the way, I’m holding onto some weed for Ginsberg, George and Aaron. They’ll be over in the next ten minutes.” I didn’t think anything of it at first. If you remember correctly, I ripped off the skater kids a couple months back on a weed deal and they were still pretty pissed at me, but that didn’t occur to me. After all, I had hung out with them over break and they didn’t seem all that angry, especially when I hooked them up with a nice deal, all but making it up to them. Or so I thought.

But I should have seen it coming. And when they arrived ten minutes later, I was already tripping face. About 12 people arrived, it wasn’t just Ginsberg, George and Aaron. Ginsberg was the leader of the posse, but he had to leave to go do something, meanwhile all the rest but George and Aaron had left as well. When they left, George and Aaron invited themselves inside. I remember not being able to say yes, or no, but they insisted on “yes” as my answer, despite me being too intoxicated to talk.
We got up to my room and everything went silent. Only about 30 minutes had passed and I was already having a terrible trip. It felt like hours though. Everything I had planned on had disappeared and these kids were messing with my trip. At first they were silent, passing their bong around, and then they started talking. I felt I had to entertain them, and it was my duty to entertain them, so I went out of my way to seem intriguing. But they didn’t seem to care what I did because they started messing with my mind.
“So you wanna hit the bong???” Aaron asked. I hardly knew the kid. I said “sure” in my pipsqueak voice as my throat went all scratchy as I spoke. “Well too bad!” Aaron exclamorated. They began ■■■■■■■ with me and George began to laugh. He turned into a Goblin with his evil crackly laugh. Then I started riding a purple magic carpet along a wave. But it’s hard to conceptualize this trip because it was so disrupted. They messed with me some more for about another half of an hour. Then they started stealing from me. They stole my last tab, like I said I would never do the last tab. They stole my cigarettes. They stole my weed. And they stole my parents liquor. Aaron would even steal my mom’s laptop, but we’re not that far into the story yet. They trashed my house, made burn marks on my desk, and threw knives at the walls. They started fighting each other and exposing me to violence. I remember seeing an elephant in some visualizer they showed me on their cell phone, but that was about the coolest thing that they did to help me have a good trip. Pretty much, they spent eight hours consecutively just ■■■■■■■ with me. When I started coming down they called Ginsberg over. Ginsberg arrived, and slowly more and more people arrived, and continued to ■■■■ with me. I had gone into my shell like a turtle. I thought the fire alarm went off and I swear, even though Hunter S. Thompson said it first and not me, I saw bats flying near the ceiling of the kitchen. They ate up all my food and everything was gone. I was a gracious host despite being continuously ■■■■■■ with, and having a terrible trip, and Aaron throwing knives at the wall right near my head it seemed. After all my ego was gone. Obliterated. I had taken that much acid and probably faced close to an ego-death from all the LSD I had done. Which is why I began drinking alcohol like a fish. It was quite dangerous because LSD gives you the capability to drink tons of alcohol without passing out or losing your sense of balance and your clarity completely. But I needed to get my ego back so I could yell at them and kick them out of my house. I drank for hours on end. And finally, I had mustured up enough confidence from within through liquid courage that I said “GET THE ■■■■ OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!” At first they were like “Why???” But I wasn’t joking around. I told them to leave the ■■■■■■■ house. And it was ridiculous what they had done to me.
Kevin was just observatory for the whole thing. I can’t blame him, because he most likely hadn’t a clue what was going on besides the fact they had stolen from me and trashed my house, I remember him saying. But then he went home for about an hour or two while I cleaned up the place, only to come back later. When he returned, I said to him “I’m ■■■■■■ up…I’m done for. This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” He hadn’t realized the extent of how bad it was but it was bad. I was playing with fire, but the flame that they brought to the fire-fight was beyond unreasonable. It was pure terrorism. It was torture. They had literally mentally and emotionally tortured me while I was under the influence of drugs. They’re lucky I didn’t stab them out of anger or take a baseball bat and start smashing open their heads. Because some people would do that. I could tell I was crazy. When I was plotting what I was going to do, I began talking to myself, and I cackled an evil laugh at how I was going to get back at them. When Aaron texted me the next day and asked if I had found his bag of weed that he had lost, I thought for a second and told him “yes I found your bag of weed.” I was going to fight his ass when he came over to retrieve it, but he was bigger than he seemed when I was under the influence of drugs. It intimidated me and I backed down. Besides I was still greatly intoxicated, and I probably wouldn’t have stood a chance, so I used my judgement and didn’t fight him. But I was driven to insanity. He thought he was getting his weed back, and he didn’t, so he stole my mother’s laptop and left.
I tried to get George to come by to fight me, but he certainly wasn’t coming over. After all I could have easily kicked his ass and he was scared of me. So he simply ignored my texts. Eventually Ginsberg called me up on the phone and told me I needed to calm down, and I was “just tripping” but that just made me more furious and I yelled at him that I couldn’t calm down after they just terrorized me practically to death. Then Christopher called me and said the only two words that could calm me down. The two words that changed my life forever. Christopher called me and simply and bluntly said “your ego…” Most people would say “what the ■■■■ are you talking about?” But I responded with…“I know!!!” My ego was completely out of hand in my mind and it was everything that was making me self-destruct and destroying me. And I thought the acid was causing ego-death, but being told “your ego” when my intention of taking the acid was to get rid of my ego, and during a vulnerable state? That was the true ego-death. What I thought for a while would be permanent ego-death, not just temporarily like the drugs manifest the state they’re in. I called up Aaron, Ginsberg, but not George, and I apologized for the way I acted. They acted confused as to what could make me actually apologize. Aaron would return the laptop but I still was pretty damn angry despite the false-illusion of the ego causing me to believe that I wasn’t supposed to act so angry anymore. The next day I picked my parents up at the airport and they could tell I looked pale as a ghost.

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Thanks. And you know, “ego” can mean both the “I” or self and, in another context, vanity or excessive self-interest. Pride, too. Whichever, we can’t live without ego, a sense of self. Jung identified as “ego” the central point of the self. If this is obliterated, then there is no conscious mind, and you’re just an amorphous blob, a rudderless ship.

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Yes it was very detrimental for a long time! Couldn’t survive without my ego. Which is what made my life so difficult for so long. Now I’m learning to embrace my ego, and it’s still coming back it’s still far from being fully rational and functional as it should be. But it’s a new ego. I don’t need drugs for spiritual development, I never did, but now especially because of how much I rebelled against my ego. Every time you meditate your ego becomes dormant for the period of time that you were meditating. I was in the State of mind for five years. I believe it’s helpful now that I’ve overcome it, but it sure did make my life difficult there’s no doubt about that.

The reason I said I know is because I had read this one passage before I was doing LSD. Along with the fact that tripping made me think I was a narcissist! There were multiple reasons I became interested in the ego though. It has made me a new person. This is what I read.

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This song came on Pandora radio today.

Five minutes ago on my drive over to Iop. I think i was meant to hear this right now. Maybe :relieved:

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Well, good luck today, @Jonnybegood. I am going offline for a while now. Thanks for the chat.

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That must be one of the most inspiring songs.

It really lifts my mood and makes me believe I can accomplish so much

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The song is also about Detroit.

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