We live. We die. And in between is just a bunch of unimportant crap. The only thing I care about is my kids well being. But they are doing good in spite of having a kooky mom. I have no desire to live a long life. I’ve lived all I need to live. One day the eye in the sky will be merciful.
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I’m trying to find purpose through religion.
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Have you discussed these feelings with a therapist or your pdoc? I don’t like the way this is sounding. You may not be feeling actively suicidal, but passive suicidality can be just as dangerous. This “merciful eye in the sky” business doesn’t sound right to me. Your kids will always need you. They’ll even need you long after you’re gone. Your life does matter, to your kids, to the rest of your family, to us. Don’t allow yourself to die just because you don’t think your life has any value. Listen to those around you; you are needed, you are wanted, you are loved. Hang in there. Don’t give up the fight.
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Thanks. I try to find more purpose but it’s not easy. I just feel beaten down.
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We get beaten down, some days, but the feelings pass and things get better. Hang in there… no feeling is final.
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Your kids will always love you and need you @FatMama. Before you know it you’ll be a “kooky” grandmother loved and needed by your grandkids too. 
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That’s a terrible way to live. You are bipolar type? So no antidepressants, huh? You’re on a granddaddy AP. My next step would be to ask if there’s a granddaddy mood stabilizer as well. Or see if there’s a drug that boosts mood stabilizers, kind of like how low doses of AP’s boost antidepressants.
Besides clozapine I’m also on lithium and lamotrigine.
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You wouldn’t want your kids thinking that way would you? Nobody should have to think about it that way. Family is what makes it important. There’s millions of people in the countries we live in, and even if we’re just gonna be super important in the lives of maybe a dozen people, that’s still a big deal. The world is full of cool stuff and great food, so much better than if we were all born in 1700. There are a lot of reasons to be happy… but I get it, this disorder cuts you off from all that. I’m sorry you’re going through it. You’ve been through a lot lately also, in addition to the diagnosis. I’m always impressed when you bounce back.
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