Its hard to describe what i feel in the evenings, but its a pain, a waste of my time too… So i get like stiffed, i get really dumb, but with an overloaded brain i find. I guess i dont think normally then cause its a mix of dumbness and brain pressure… My emotions get oppressed in a way too. All the focus is in my head. I get inactive then cause too tight… What is this, people? Does this talk to you?
I mostly wonder if its the meds or my illness… One friend thinks its the inactivity but i am not sure… Gosh, i was inactive for so long that i wonder when it will get relieved?.. Does this will take decades too? 
Otherwise i try to live in the day now, but everything is unstable and strange now… Everyday i chase what is a normal state and almost every day i wake up with a different opinion of what is my normal state. Its a pity i knew only bad stuff and nothing normal for so long.
But pls, talk to me about those evening states… Its maybe the inactivity or no? Pfff, no time left for me to lose time like that… Sorry if i look impatient, but its cause those evening states are painful and last since i was a kid…
Has your pdoc given you anything for your mood or anxiety? Like, an antidepressant or mood stabilizer? It seems to me that you are depressed and anxious, and by extension paranoid and lacking in motivation. You also seem to me to be agoraphobic. It is an anxiety disorder. Antidepressants can help it.
I have some moments too where I feel incredibly dumb. Like once, I literally forgot how to open a doorknob. I don’t if it’s medication or schizophrenia that’s the cause. Maybe talk to your doctor about this? I hope you feel better.
I am on depakote. I tried many ads before, they all lift my fears to the point that i want to hide in my wardrobe… I guess its some kind of negatives what i have. Not a depression. I lack emotions sometimes. Lack of the feeling of joy and desire. Such a lack of emotions is a sz thing too, not a depression. It just looks like depression. In fact, all this ends up to have a somatic manifestation in my case… First, i have this strong inner monologue which feels like haviness in my body and which tights me to the bed. After this comes some relief, but with lack of emotions. But first is this tightness, cause i ruminate too much. I hate losing my time like this… Theres no med who relieves the thinking besides the aps. I need a calm in my mind, but some “normal” thinking too… I guess i live too much in my head since years. Thecircle, dont want to be rude but i dont believe in meds for me anymore. All the docs doesnt know themselves what to give me anymore. Ive tried meds for ten years. Yes, i guess i am paranoid still. But is this what tiguts me to my bed in the evening? It feels like i have negatives then too… Maybe its the result of my inactivity from the years no? And now my brain just got apathetic? My emotions oppressed too? Or its the illness who makes me feel dumb? I am really sure that i cant think properly. I have no big ideas or fantasy or things like this…
In two words, i feel my brain in my head by overthinking, i have no emotions so i end up by being passive.
You believe that ads can give emotions? I am sceptical on this tbh… Plus i am low motivated yes, but paranoid too. And ads lift my fears, i dont like this. Idk, maybe i should fight jy passivity alone then, no? Gosh, it sux… Sorry to talk about me only… But i end up worrying about the future for hours. And the time flies like this. Gosh no, i dont want an ad… None of them didnt give me a positive emotion, no…
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