I just read something interesting about a girl who committed suicide because of her depression.
But that got me thinking I have so much to thank my illnesses for.
While I wouldn’t call this an illness, I think that most people think that it is horrible and should be avoided at all cost. I have a little bit of Ausburgers in me. It’s on the autism spectrum and very highly functioning. I have nothing like a full blown case but I do have “indicators”. My new doctor (a diagnostic doctor was the one who diagnosed me and after a couple of years of a different school I was diagnosed with sz and depression) says there is something in there but he also agrees it isn’t full blown. My nephew has it and I can see the differences between us. And the similarities.
My parents heard about the signs of autism on a radio program and thought it fit me to a T. If it wasn’t for this I would have never gotten the help I needed when the sz came around or for the depression. They sent be to a boarding school because of this. If it wasn’t for that school I would have never gotten help when the sz showed up.
My depression. People seem to pick up that there is something odd about me. Whether it is the sz or the bipolar (I wasn’t diagnosed as bipolar till very, very recently, that’s why I said depression above. I don’t think that people key in as much on the hypo manic part) they can tell something is up. Depression is a good cover for the Ausburgers indicators and sz. I think that people have more prejudice against people with autism than sz. But I do not have very overt sz so maybe some people think I am making it up. I don’t know. But I know if I mention the Ausburgers indicators they seem very put off. Not as much with the sz.
While I don’t think this is necessarily good the sz gives me something to go for I think. It lets me write. It gives me something to write about. I am working not on a memoir, I don’t have much to say about my life anyways, but on a story that shows sz in a more positive light. That we can be loving and that we aren’t all a bunch of serial killer psychos.It also gives me something to fight and fight for. Whenever I feel it swallowing me up, I think- I’ll show you ■■■■■■■. I’m going to be normal (as in have a happy life and a good job as far as most people do anyways). I’m going to do something if I can and if I can’t I won’t stop trying. So ■■■■ you bullies. When I get through and you have someone you need to deal with in your life you’ll see how hard I worked and how special my life is to me. At least when the depression isn’t kicking me in the head . And maybe you’re kids will know if you tell them about me that it is possible to get by.
Sometime, because of all of this, I doubt my life will ever be boring.
Is there anything “wrong with you” that you feel grateful for? Even if it isn’t all the time.