I don’t mean this in a blamey sort of way, but I wasn’t sure how else to phrase it in the title. But I think I might somehow give myself psychosis-like issues, I just don’t know how it works.
For as long as I can remember, I have always selectively absorbed stuff into myself mentally, and I have always been able to imagine things so vividly that even though I know they are not real, they might as well be. Like right now I imagine running my fingers along a toad’s back, and I can feel it. I know my hand isn’t feeling it - but my hand never feels anything. My hand sends signals to my brain via nerves, and I feel it in my brain. My brain just confirms that the location of the sensory intake is my hand. So I don’t really need my hand to feel anything, in order to feel something.
I am even able to feel things that I have never felt before in real life, I don’t have any idea how, but it happens. Best explanation I have is that my brain’s best guess at how some things feel is just wrong, but that would be very hard for me to wrap my mind around - but I do acknowledge that it is possible, because that’s the only way it makes sense aside from me having other people’s memories.
For a long while this was actually an extremely pleasant and addictive coping method for just life in general. I have created entire massive worlds inside of my mind, complete with long-standing characters, story lines and everything. I go for long stretches of time where I can easily spend most of my waking life in these worlds. It is actually so superior to real life in so many ways that if I were a millionaire, I could happily spend the rest of my life holed up in an apartment.
But nearly all of the material for all of this comes from the real world. Artwork, anime, movies, games, books, even the occasional real-life person who I just carbon-copy into my mind and then make them into whatever I want. Random things might appeal to me, like a piece of art I wasn’t expecting to connect with, and then it gets absorbed.
And what it seems like happens when I start to get “bad” in terms of mental health, like really bad, is that I lose the ability to choose. I lose the ability to only absorb things that I like, and then in addition, it’s like my brain will start automatically activating that part of my imagination that makes something seem real.
And that’s where it starts to turn into a nightmare. It’s like the barrier gets broken, and suddenly anything can invade. And there is a lot of pretty ■■■■■■ up ■■■■ in the world, so that’s just plain not good.
Does any of this make any sense?