Intrusive thought or hidden desire?

Apparently I’m prone to intrusive thoughts.
There’s one thing that keeps resurfacing when I’m feeling vulnerable…
What if I want to be a dude? What if I settled for being a woman a long time ago because I thought it was the only viable option? Because it was easier than having everyone use different pronouns and call me another name? Easier than explaining my desiscion to everyone?

I have never been comfortable in my own body. I’ve come to terms with the body, but what if it’s a sign of something deeper?
I mean… I’m ashamed of my boobs, I hate having my period, I have no desire to have kids or get pregnant anymore, and I don’t like that I have a vagina. Mostly because people keep wanting to stick things into it. It feels wrong, and I’d much rather be the one doing the sex to someone else.

I even went to a “queer-festival” once where I knew nobody, and had everyone call me a gender-neutral name, Chris. When asked, I used to reply for a long time that I felt like both genders and neither at the same time.

I don’t know what scares me more. The thought of wanting to change genders, or the thought that it’s just my mind playing tricks on me.
What if it’s like those people who get that OCD where they obsess over being gay even though they’re not?

How do I tell what’s me, my feelings, and what’s just my head acting up?

Does anyone have any useful input?

I would focus on getting better and keeping a journal of these intrusive thoughts. Writing gets things out of your head and makes the thoughts clearer over time. Most people who want to switch genders have known since they were toddlers – and they know – they don’t wonder. It sounds like you are nonbinary and asexual. And yes, there are toys out there that can make you “do the sex to someone else” no matter what gender you are :wink: . I would just journal and give it time to figure out what you really want to do.

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I think it’s an intrusive thought; a delusion. I have gayness intrusive thoughts, and I’m not the only guy sz I’ve heard of having them. My old psychiatrist asserted that it was a delusion, and I believe him. I had a good woman friend whose older brother with sz had delusions/thoughts of being gay. I think it’s pretty common, and nothing to worry about.


But some trans people repress it until they’re like, married and have kids.
I’ve seen documentaries.

But yes, I am asexual. That I know for sure, even though I repressed that too for a while because I wanted so desperately to be normal.

I’ve known some trans people and seen documentaries, too. The adults repress it, but they know they are repressing it. If they were born male, they started thinking “I’m a girl” or “I want to be female when I grow up” or other things along those lines when they were young children. They repress it because they know the consequences of revealing that to others. So they hide it, some until adulthood and marriage and children. But they always knew. I’ve never heard of an adult male suddenly deciding “I want to be a woman . . . permanently!” It’s an inborn trait.

Hi Nova I never knew what gender you were. I met a transgender man who desired to be female while I was in a ward. He was telling me how difficult it is transitioning . now she liked her name Jamie. I thought coolest person in this damn place.


I said things like that as a kid.
I mostly wore guy clothes as well, and always felt uncomfortable in dresses. I had short hair for a long while, and got wildly offended when someone told me to act less like a guy.

I don’t know if I believe that all trans people know from the beginning. I mean, some must be so good at repressing it that they believe it themselves.

What if I’m one of them?
But what if I’m not?

I have a hidden desire to be a fashion vlogger and fashionista, with my own brand of sunglasses.


If you haven’t already, you should be talking to a specialist about this, someone who specializes in gender dysphoria. Since you’ve had feelings about this since you were a kid, it’s safe to assume this issue will not go away. I’d also find some support groups, online and/or offline, so you can talk with others who can relate to what you are experiencing. I think what you’ll find is that what you are experiencing is OK, and you’ll be able to figure out whether you want to transition to the other gender or otherwise cope with the body you’re in. Good luck and I wish you the best.

i am not sure where you live, but my step-bro is setting up a charity for this kind of thing - to support people going through what you are right now. Might be worth seeking out something like that where you live, as you’d be surprised how many people feel the same way.

Your not alone in this. There are services out there.

good luck.

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