Whatever I do they come in my head uninvited. Memories from my last psychosis, God, I humiliated myself…Repeating to myself that these people, in front of whom I humiliated myself were bad people - as my psychiatrist says, “people with no compassion”. Plus I realize I have schizophrenia since my teenage years. Who can I blame? Psychiatry - for not giving me help when I tried to kill myself at 17. Now, conscious, I understand I had SO MANY psychoses and manias all of my life (34 years old) and I have been in HUGE pain…and anger…It’s like I never really lived…And now what? For 1st time in my life since childhood I don’t want to die and I have love for life itself and I have these intrusive memories that don’t give me a break…I wish I was working, but my doctor says I am not ready - I agree. So I stay at home with my parents and I paint. Have been trying to control everything just to come to the conclusion that the only thing that will really help is time. Years! To make good memories FINALLY in my miserable life. And whatever I do during this time doesn’t really matter. How much I smoke, how much I eat, how much I paint…time will decide when and how I will find peace…and I will forgive psychiatry and bad people AND myself…for being sick…
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Is that your artwork? Is really very good. Now that you’re more aware, feeling better, loving life for itself there will be more good memories to replace the others.
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I love that picture!
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