Hi, I’m a new member but long time reader. I know that’s kinda weird but I didn’t want to interfere. I am sza but I am very stable, in college, ect. I write. I used to write poetry before I started my medicine but now I write stories. I’m happy about the switch. I was tired of what poetry has become and I was trying to make the switch to writing a book. It was the meds that flipped the switch though. I have no doubt about that.
I feel guilty about being on here sometimes. I have had depression my whole life, but my sz (the affective part of my diagnosis was added just in the last two-three years) the sz was caught before I really suffered. I was at an expensive boarding school that was very sensitive to mental health issues (I had been diagnosed with ausburgers indicators and major depression after my my Dad heard a description of ausburgers on the radio) and I was having terrible times in my local high school (bullying). I have expensive medicine and an expensive doctor and I realize that not everyone has a family blessed with these resources. That makes me really mad and upset.
I want to do something to bring awareness to the fact that we need help too. I’m not belittling cancer patient’s suffering, but I don’t hear about them ending up on the street because they have cancer. Why are cancer and AIDs the only thing people care about? (I have a LONG history of cancer on my Mom’s side. Every woman down to my Grandmother has had it. I think I have a better chance statically of getting that than I ever did with mental illness).
Before I got the doctor I have been working with for two or three years now I was seeing a local doctor who refused to change my meds even though they obviously weren’t working any more. He seemed to listen but he did nothing. I ended up in an emergency center run by that same doctor. I wasn’t really any worse than before but I basically admitted myself. I had given up hope that I would ever be emotionally stable. The abilify kept the sz under control for the most part but the depression and the problems that go with it ran wild again. My Mom and I didn’t know what else to do so we tried the public center where my new therapist (who I was recommended to when I got out of the center) worked. It was worse. Way worse. He saw me for thirty minutes because he had so many patients he couldn’t cope and tried to say I had OCD instead despite the fact that at school doctors had given me basically every test under the sun to confirm sz. He just blew that off. My general practitioner was actually the one who saved me from that. He was interested in psycology and when I cried because I had a cold (I cried over everything) he recommended the doctor I see now.
Before getting on this site I had never really seen the faces, so to speak, of others. All I had was psychology textbooks I had read. Horrible predictions. It scared me. I was fascinated by psychology, but I started to stop researching it because I was afraid.
I am writing about sz, or trying to. A story about why we need affordable treatment for mental illness (a novel not a news article, people need a real story), and a love story. A story to show that people with sz deserve love just like anyone else. I don’t want to lie about hearts and roses, but I want to show that we are people too. Loveable people. We get lonely too.
I have a fiancee who has stuck by me even as I have alternately pushed away and held to me, so I know it’s possible. I never had any frightening delusions about him, I just wanted better for him than me. Neither of us have seen what a lot of you have been through. I don’t know why I am saying any of this. I guess I just want the blessing of people who are sicker than I am, who have suffered more than I have, that what I am doing is ok. I just want to believe that even though I haven’t seen the darkest of days I can help those who have. I’ve been on here because I don’t want to lie. I don’t want to say that loving us, loving me is easy, but I want to say it’s worth it. I think it is and I think my fiancee does too. I don’t think people date out of pity for four years. I just want people to know the truth, that we aren’t psycho killers like on tv or in junk novels. We aren’t monsters and I just want to show people that.