How do you get to your information? I can understand how schizophrenia can appear to have an impact on your analysis and evaluation of information but does it matter? If my thought is disorganised but arrives where intended, how is getting to cat from catalyst different to coming to it from dog? Anti psychotics took vast portions of my working memory, spacial reasons, auditory feedback loops we use to retain information, much of my ability to process complex, multiple sources of information eg writing and watching.
I suffered from 2 drug induced psychotic episodes that were publicly humiliating but non violent in nature and was placed on a treatment order. I was ordered to be on paliperidone injections for 6 to 9 months but refused treatment after 3, I was detained for a month to be monitored but it seemed the damage had already been done. I linked my information through words, sounds, shapes or pictures but all of my words, visual imagery and my body’s rhythm which gave me a bit of a beat in my head had gone; I have become aware of these thought processes I have running constantly I’m sure we all do, they are our beliefs, desires, fears or insecurities.
Many of my processes involved word specific explainations of why this action benefits me how it relates to the art of war and how a child could apply it in their life, I worked in a school so I picked someone I knew and explained my action’s benefit in appropriate terminology. I have obsessive compulsive disorder so any missed word or sentence or expression left me repeating that mistake until I felt even, if I did not it would manifest in my body moving in unnatural ways which would result in pain so seldom would I leave a mistake to be acknowledged by my body, it would still need to be finalised but the mind, even if 3 days later.
These explainations would link to memories reaffirming my beliefs and giving me motivation to proceed as planned. I’m not sure if other people are like that but losing access to these pathways affected my ability to proceed. I was unaware of how much motivation I experienced through explaination.
The medication slowed my thought processes so severely that it became a registrable, vocalised, auditory hallucination; prior to this I cannot recall any thought which I would have considered irrational or at least harmful to be repeating. I always tried to end one idea before carrying in to something corresponding, unless it was verified.
The medication did give me time to correct some connections which were being acknowledged with no way of understanding them, eg I linked all of my memories good and bad of past relationships to my most recent which resulted in numerous memories triggering the same negative response.
Although intervention was necessary I believe it could have been achieved through thought alone. I believe that impulses can be controlled if you identify the trigger. Since coming off of the medication I have had to revert back to my original intuitive response system, I have had to modify parts of my behaviour antipsychotics altered like movement, speech, who I was seeking to impress and my motivations behind that. It inverted my values, meaning I was acting in spite of someone rather than for them.
They gave me multiple independent personalities which were attempting to control my intuitive responses, eg what I chose to do before I think about what I want to do… they would encourage me to be lazy. I have always practiced a particularly rigid manner of thought. I would always remove my emotions from the equation and recieve the information in order to process it.
When another personality spoke, at first I would feel an unexplainable emotion, but after a few months off of the medication they began to respond like children. They would ask me to explain why I would move in a certain way, why do you not want people to look at you, why do you walk on the left side of the street? It was similar to building rapport with a child, eventually they just became silent, just me, repeating the benefits or consequences of an action.
I’ve been off of anti psychotics for almost 5 months now and have regained mostly all of my original motor functions, as well as my sinus rhythm and other autonomic bodily functions which are becoming autonomic… But my central nervous system, cardiovascular and endocrine systems are still not functioning as they were before. However I do find myself alone in my head, deciding because I chose to rather than reacting to an emotional response.
Martial arts is my passion, the permanent movement profile I am in allowed me to shape all foreign influences into copies of myself, practicing the exact same thought as I, or they were denied and their thought was left unacknowledged and incomplete.
I have elements of martial arts introduced into all areas of my life that give me unquestioned command of my schizophrenic thought. Movement was my most defining attribute, but command can also be seized by identifying and defining our influences, the way we structure sentences, or a specific desire, fear or memory which is unique to you, something that will always remain unchanged that you can weave into every waking moment.
Having a personal memory will also invite known people as conferring influences and knowing how someone interacts helps your mind to produce a more realistic experience.
It is counterintuitive to find something that separates you from the rest of the world, but having an undefined number of commonalities, links you with anyone who you think “they are just like me” I used to think this about anyone, animals, public figures I found common ground with anyone. It is a good way to think if fostering growth and development in relationships but not to experience a hypothetical feeling of compatibility if resulting in an emotional response that you attach to. When ideas of what we think this person would think in this situation evolve, it opens us up to too many variables in our manners of thought.
I definitely believe the way we interact with these thoughts can carry with it, a physiological effect as well as the psychological effects. However I know that our brains are powerful things and some people are far to quick to jump at a medicinal solution rather than attempting alteration of our thought, through thought. I was raised with a positive belief system and it was easier to find my way back, but some are raised with a negative manner of thought, acting with negativity to drive rather than positivity. Even that is something you need to be honest with yourself about. There are levels of thought, some may be so deep seeded you wouldn’t even identify with them. The only way to get at them is through thought.
Breathing through my nose was the first thing I noticed I had stopped doing. It helped me to regain some of my lost attributes.