So I am in remission but I feel like I almost miss being psychotic. Life is so bland and boring now. Without the struggle of living with my illness, I feel bored and I often just sit and cry. I feel melancholy and bitter and I actually miss being psychotic, self medicating and being crazy. I made a 3.96 this semester because of my meds and I have made new friends but I feel empty. It’s probably just the trauma of getting out of psychosis and back into reality, but I feel alone in this. It’s not all sunshine, its confusing and mostly bitter.
I wish I could cry but it comes not at all.
School I am attempting to go back in the fall.
Psychosis, don’t miss it and hate it when it rears up.
But, at first I did miss the thoughts but 3 years in I am not missing them. How long with no psychosis, voices and such
I do feel relieved about the voices and isolation and delusions, but I feel so bitter about life. Life used to be one day at a time, make it through the day and feel glad to be alive, now its just a bunch of time that I dont know what to do with.
You’ve got to adjust your thinking.You have to focus on how lucky you are. I know how you feel.When I first got clean and sober I missed all the drama of using drugs and being in dangerous situations. After drugs life seemed so slow and boring. But that is not good. Think fora minute. How much fun was psychosis really? Just put yourself back in the shoes of your past and and your suffering. Don’t romanticize it. Any idea that it was fun is an illusion. Count your blessings, be grateful. Don’t take your recovery for granted it or misuse it. Do you realize how many people on here would give anything to be in your position? Do you realize that some people would give anything for a couple days without symptoms?
It seems like if it were a true remission you’d be bursting with energy to do something - whatever it was that motivated you to work off your psychosis. Are you hiding ideas from yourself - maybe they are nonconformist.
i am making new friends, that is what has really changed. my gpa is now way higher, i will definitely be going to grad school with it.
give your self more time to adjust , you will get used to the changes. (says the guy sitting next to his demons ! )
What happened to me, not sure if the same thing in your case,
I suffered severe depression after the psychotic episodes, crying (not the crying type) walking with head down, etc.
I asked the doc and he said depression is normal after episodes and he would worry if I did not have depression after it. then depression eased up.
I can sort of identify with that odd feeling like today is the same as yesterday. The brain always coming up with something new. But at the same time for me, I don’t remember everything that happened to me during psychosis so trying to come out of it and finding out what I did during was sometimes pretty horrifying. I am so glad that when I wake up where I went to bed, I have a pretty good idea that I didn’t do something horrid and damaging to people I love. That is worth more then any high I could have enjoyed.
I’ve seen in some of your post about trauma therapy for people after psychosis. I would love to see that happen more. I would love to see more support for the coming out of it. Maybe it’s that shock of not being in psychosis that helps that swing into negative symptom. If we had support in that window of swing, many negative stints could be avoided.
Your idea sounds very valuable. I might try to talk to my therapist about PTSD and trauma… Not just for trying to fit back into the “lucid” world, but for dealing with the realization of what I did when I was out of my head. The acid, the pot, the drinking… fun, fun, fun… until it wasn’t.
When I had those few moments of mental clarity I was horrified. 16 through 20 was when I was the most psychotic. I was always involving a 5 through 9 year old kid in my capers and my chaos. NOT COOL. When I was first trying to get sober and quit the drugs it was hard, and I was so discontent and fed up with life and irritated at how normal it all was. So the options that I could see were
- stop the meds, and do drugs again and break my kid sisters heart and destroy my family for fun and eventually die or end up in jail.
- don’t do drugs, take my meds and always be pissed off and on meds and be discontent.
- Clock out of this boring life permanently… Which I tried and if I thought my kid sis was sad when I stopped meds and drank… it was nothing compared to how out of her head scared she was when I regained lucid in the hospital after my attempt (plus she was the one who found me and did CPR on me and called 911 she was 12 at the time.) I’m not happy with myself for the level of trauma I put her through just because drinking was more normal for me.
- Take the meds, and go to my therapist and give myself time to heal from the high and adrenaline of psychosis and relearn how to enjoy a more lucid life.
It sounds like your learning my hard learned lesson years ahead of me.
It’s not easy, it’s not fun, it’s annoying and it pisses us off at times, but what are the alternatives really? Keep up that hard fight. I’m rooting for you.