It really frustrates me that I’m unable to communicate a need to someone who can actually do something about it without majorly downplaying it.
It’s embarassing and makes me hate myself for making a big deal seem like nothing.
I bet if a shark bit my leg off, I’d swim to shore and awkwardly approach a lifeguard and be like “excuse me sir, if you have the time, I, uh, lost my leg. If you don’t mind, I might need an ambulance, but otherwise I’ll just hop my way to the nearest ER. Don’t worry, I’ll be fine, I might just need a bandaid or two. No reason to rush.”
I don’t consider myself important and I hate having to ask for things.
But when I do, I really resent that I do it in such a way that nobody takes it seriously.
You’re not alone. Lots of people struggle with ‘assertiveness’ and ‘people-pleasing’. Even normies struggle with this.
Something that helped me is to realise that some people want to help.
That lifeguard for instance, might feel special and important for rescuing you. You might be the highlight of his day.
Truth is nobody will ever understand another person. You can fool yourself and think they will but at the end its nobody who can help not even understand you.
I think most people offer to help me out of obligation.
When they do seem genuinely interested, I tell myself I’m a shite for somehow manipulating them into it
People only know what you tell them, everything else they will assume, and trust me, they will assume incorrectly.
Try being direct. Get to the point with as few words as possible. If you feel you need to go into greater detail by explaining your reasoning, do it after you express your primary need.
You might be projecting your feelings about obligation onto others?
Perhaps if you fortify yourself with the ability to say “no”. Then you will be able to trust that when you ask someone for something, they too have the power to say no.
How do you feel when a beggar on the street asks you for change, or a charity worker corners you to donate to charity, or a salesman knocks on your door? Can you say no without feeling guilty?
Yes that feeling of selfishness, it is really uncomfortable isn’t it? I used to feel that way often.
This sort of thing usually dates back to childhood, and the relationship we had with our parents.
(TW) Can you remember anything about your childhood, around saying no? Did you have that option, or was pressure put on you, were you shouted at, or ridiculed?
Well, I’m an older child from a low income family.
It was my responsibility that the needs of the younger ones were met before I tended to my own.
Sharing is caring and all that
Yes I think that does nicely explain the sense of obligation you feel. You were put in a situation where saying “yes” to others, and “no” to yourself was the right thing to do. This type of self-sacrifice has a name; ‘parentification’. It can be traumatic and affect your life in negative ways.
What do you think you could do now to feel more comfortable about prioritising your own needs?
For me I get a good feeling when I help others and so when Miika asks for a bandaid for her shark bite I’m all over taking her to emergency, It might help you to know that other people actually love to care for you. If you don’t have any people around that do than you need better people.
When I get my own needs met, I imagine my well-being as a cup that is full to overflowing. I have more space, time, and energy than I need. I have a surplus, and I can pass that on to others.
When my own needs are not met, I imagine my well-being as a cup that is empty. I don’t have enough space, time, and energy for myself, and that leaves me with very little to pass on to others.
In the long run, I have found that when I am meeting my own needs, I am in a better position to enrich the lives of others. I can meet their needs and my own, but mine have to come first.
It’s a bit like being on a crashing plane, when the air pressure drops and masks fall down: You have to put on your own mask before you try to help the person next to you, else you could both suffocate.
I hope these ideas might help you to not feel like a shite. x
It’s ok to need help. Consistently do everything you are able to do, and only ask for what you are incapable of doing. People will see your efforts that way and they won’t feel used