I'm suffocating

I feel so suffocated and asphyxiated. I feel like I’m going to blow up any second in any day. I feel like I cannot suppress my anger any longer, and I feel so frustrated. All I can think of is suicide, and I feel like a huge burden because my family expects me to get better but I can’t. I can’t fix my genetics, and certainly I cannot cure myself of this disease. My family says, “One day, you will get better. You have to.” But I have no power over this disease and I feel so pressured to get better, which I cannot do.

I feel like I can’t please my mom at all because I’m not getting better. I’m hiding my emotions from her and pretending that I’m completely holding this together. Having a disability is putting a lot of pressure on me, and it’s so hard to get through this alone. My family expects me to stay calm and not freak out when my body is destroying herself, but I’m on the verge of tears because I can’t control my body.

I’m at my grandmother’s place and I feel like I need to yeet out of life. I can’t do this. I can’t hold this together and I just want out. I’m honestly so frustrated with my situation and I feel like I can’t escape this. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack or have a really bad psychotic episode. I feel like I’m going to explode. I’m so excited to go to this new school and everything but I’m honestly so tired of my physical disease and constant fatigue and pain. Despite trying to talk to my family, I’ve been told that I should hide it.

I was told by my brother to act “strong” in front of my grandmother, and I’m honestly in so much pain. I can’t talk to my mom about it. I don’t want to do this alone; I don’t know how I can do this. I just want to scream on the top of my lungs and yell as hard as I can. I feel like I’m going to die.

Thank you for reading. I’ll try my best.


It is hard on us this disease, and I would imagine especially so when the people closest to us don’t get it or are in denial of how real and serious this disease is. I guess we can’t expect them to fully understand regardless, but it’s a shame that you have no one close to you that you can confide in.

Are there no physical groups for people with mental illness where you live? Maybe you can attend and find people to talk to who understands how you feel. Maybe not during covid, I guess it’s not allowed yet, but as soon as covid situation has calmed down.

Please don’t hurt yourself. There are always answers, but they may not reveal themselves instantly, sometimes we need to hang in there for a while before we find them.

I think my physical disability is more of a problem than my psychosis; my muscles are destroying itself everyday and I suffer from debilitating chronic fatigue. I don’t know how I can manage my physical health condition. I am so exhausted of fighting…

I feel like screaming.

Even if there is a group for mental illness where I live, I can’t go because there are stairs (99% of the time) and I can’t use stairs at all. I rely on the help of my caregivers to get around.

I’m tired. So tired.

I don’t know the particulars of your health condition, but I would get in touch with a professional, like a physical therapist that can advice you on possible excersises that you can do. Even a very small effort can make a huge difference on your muscles and help build them up, like say lifting 1kg weights 10×3 once a day, standing up and sitting down in a chair multiple times as excersise. Anything that you can perform. It will pay off, your muscles will get stronger and there will be less pain, if you can think of any small way to excersise you should do it. Have a little ritual each day with small excersises.

Also make sure you eat healthy foods to keep your body happy. Maybe apply some traditional medicine like anti-inflammatory herbs like turmeric to help ease the pain in your muscles.

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Oh sweetie I wish I was there for you I would tell your family that you are sooo valubable :slightly_smiling_face: . You are not vermin!

I’m starting to develop clonus so there’s not much I can do. But I use a stretch board to make sure my muscles get enough exercise. I also eat well and I try to eat a balanced diet. But today I just felt so suffocated in fatigue that I didn’t know what to do. It really made me feel alone. The worst thing is that I will never get better. It just made me feel so sad.

I’m so sorry. I don’t think you should have to hide your pain. That’s wrong.

I know it might sound silly to some, but going somewhere private and screaming your head off can do a lot of good. If that’s what you feel needs to happen, that’s what needs to happen.

The release can be tremendous, but in the aftermath I always think, okay I can handle this now

I know you feel so frustrated, Sweetie. Who wouldn’t.

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Clonus? What is that? A auto-immune disease?

I guess some diseases you just can’t beat, but on the other hand you can hear stories about people who like broke their back in three places and managed to fight their way to recovery, but it takes a whole lot of determination and willpower to take on such a task, and I’m not saying it’s possible for everyone.

I guess you should focus on small goals and victories. Like trying to make tomorrow a little better than today. I find from personal experience if I make good choices for myself today, that kind of determines how tomorrow will be, and ofcourse the opposite holds true. If I don’t make good choices today that will affect me tomorrow.

I can understand your bitterness. I think all of us schizos have felt it at some point. Thinking what our lives would be if it weren’t for the disease and if we didn’t have to take drugs.

But there’s a lot of psychology in it. Like in the example of blindness. If you were born blind you would not miss seeing. But for those who saw first and went blind later it can be bitter. However they could also choose to think. “At least I was able too see up until this point.”

I know it’s not much consolation, but we always have a choice in how we look at things, but it can be real hard to think positive in a difficult situation.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you laetitia.

A clonus is uncontrollable movement of the muscle. Usually happens when nervous system is damaged.

I’m hanging in there. I’m home now and my body is in absolute agony.

Feels like my body is being burnt in fire…

I will be ok. I’m going to survive this.

Thanks for being here.


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